RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE, R ( 1 hr & 20 min )

where: SHATTUCK CINEMAS in Berkeley, CA
when: Saturday, Christmas Day, 2010
show: 5:30 p.m.
costs: $8.00 Ticket + $5.00 Nachos + $4.25 small Sprite Zero + $3.50 Bart Round Trip + $5.00 Carquinez Bridge Toll + $13.74 dinner @ Empire Chinese Buffet ( + $2.26 Tip ) + $6.60 Chevron gas = $48.35
auditorium: 6
seat: 4th row, Right section, 1st column

synopsis/overview: Grumpy Old Men--Butt-naked!

Naughty kids start disappearing around Christmas time after some geologists unearth a long-kept dark secret.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Sawdust; 2.) New safety instructions; 3.) Burial mound; 4.) Santa book; 5.) Wolf pit; 6.) Advent calendar; 7.) Footprints in the snow; 8.) Slaughterhouse; 9.) Reindeer; 10.) 430 carcasses; 11.) Hole; 12.) Protective gear; 13.) Crying dad; 14.) "F-ck your safety instructions"; 15.) Bear trap; 16.) Breakfast; 17.) Body; 18.) Potatoes; 19.) Interpreter; 20.) Gingerbread; 21.) English; 22.) Missing friends; 23.) Hair dryer; 24.) Santa's little helper; 25.) Nest; 26.) Dynamite; 27.) Cookie snacks; 28.) Helicopter; 29.) Lure; 30.) "Looks like we've been naughty"; 31.) A pair of souvenirs; 32.) "Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy, Bloody New Year"; 33.) "Out of a job"; 34.) The 198 Santas; 35.) "16,800,000 plus VAT ( Value Added Tax )"; 36.) Job Training; and 37.) Live cargo.

favorite scene: The re-training program.

audience reaction: The audience enjoyed this irreverent, subversive and wickedly-funny Christmas movie! Unfortunately, it didn't get a "Hands Clapper" ending.

recommendation: I enjoyed this movie, too. Go see it with your spoiled brats.

spoiler alert! If the humans could pile-on a bunch of rocks to make a burial mound, why couldn't the elves unpile the whole thing? Why did they kill all of those reindeer without eating them? What happened to all the dug-up dirt? Why couldn't they tell the facial difference between their captured man and the passport photo? Why did the stranger say a cuss word when he, of all people, knew what the consequence would be? Why were some of the elves circumcised ( I mean, seriously )?

fyi: What a perfect movie to cap this Holiday with!

Someday, when I get married and have children of my own--heck! they'd better be my own--I'll make sure that my little brats will see this movie when they are still at a young, impressionable age! Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha.

The movie shorts that this movie is based on, RARE EXPORTS, INC. and RARE EXPORTS: THE OFFICIAL SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS, are available for viewing on YouTube.

word of advice: "He knows if you've been bad or good. So, be good for goodness' sake."

tidbits: Since I had plenty of time between GULLIVER'S TRAVELS and this movie, I decided to park my cute white Geo Metro in the El Cerrito Del Norte Bart Station's parking garage, space # 443.

On my way to the theatre, I came upon a group of homeless teens huddled together at a building's main entrance. Or, maybe, they're a bunch of runaways, more than likely.

At the entrance to the theatre, a black lady kept singing, "We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."

After the movie was finished, a Finnish gentleman in the audience wished us all a Merry Christmas in Finnish, "Hauskaa joulua and a Happy New Year." He scared the heck out of me--I thought that he was one of the elves!

Another male patron conversed with the aforementioned Finnish gentleman. Then, this patron made the comment, "I don't want to run into that Santa."

Even though I was quite low on gas, I decided not to get Chevron gas at the halfway point: Pinole Valley Shopping Center. That crazy Chinese-looking guy might be there--and I don't want him freaking me out again. I was gonna get my Chevron gas at the station on Redwood Road here in Vallejo. But they closed early. So, I decided to get gas at the Chevron station across from Marine World after having dinner first.

At the Empire Chinese buffet, the owner's daughter was happy to see me as she greeted me with a "Merry Christmas." Yup, she's still looking as beautiful as ever.

When I went to the restaurant's men's room to wash my hands, I almost slipped and fell because somebody had just mopped the floor using too much cleaning solution. I might as well have been walking on ice with smooth-soled shoes on! It was that slippery. There was a young boy in the men's room with me and he had a hard time standing on his feet as he washed his hands.

GULLIVER'S TRAVELS in 3-D, PG ( 1 hr & 35 min )

where: UA EMERY BAY STADIUM 10 in Emeryville, CA
when: Saturday, December 25th, 2010
show: 2:00 p.m.
costs: $11.75 Ticket + $5.75 Zap Pack + $4.25 Original Pretzel = $21.75
auditorium: 3, with the 3-D screen
seat: 6th row, 11th column

synopsis/overview: A mail-room clerk, Lemuel Gulliver ( Jack Black ), lies about himself to impress the Travel Editor of their publishing company, Darcy Silverman ( Amanda Peet ). On assignment in the Bermuda Triangle, he finds himself on the uncharted island of Lilliput, which is inhabited by tiny people.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Mail room guys; 2.) Elevator; 3.) "You peaked"; 4.) Fluff piece; 5.) Storm; 6.) Inverted whirlpool; 7.) Captured; 8.) Lame ass; 9.) Rescue; 10.) Improvised fire-fighting; 11.) Royal banquet; 12.) House; 13.) Stage show; 14.) Courtships; 15.) Voice mails; 16.) Forlorn; 17.) "Speaking in -eths"; 18.) New general; 19.) Blefuscian Armada; 20.) Welts; 21.) Foosball; 22.) "Home, sweet home"; 23.) Friendship lagoon; 24.) Courting doctrine; 25.) Gulliverized; 26.) Traitor; 27.) "I'm not an option, I'm a lady"; 28.) Duel; 29.) "Island where we dare not go"; 30.) "Everything Gulliver told me was a lie"; 31.) "Darcy of Manhattan"; 32.) Doll house; 33.) Tea time; 34.) Skeleton; 35.) "It's all because of you"; 36.) Parachute; 37.) "One true love"; 38.) "My word is my bond, this time"; 39.) Duel, part II; 40.) "You've committed an act of valiance"; 41.) "Enough with the kidnapping"; 42.) "War, what is it good for"; 43.) "There's no small job, just teeny, tiny people"; and 44.) Newspaper clippings.

favorite scenes: The Rod Foosball Table Game with Lilliputian players.

The performing arts theatre.

audience reaction: The audience liked this movie.

recommendation: I liked it enough. Go see it with your little brats.

spoiler alert! Why are the Lilliputians English-literate? He fell down on sand, without hitting his head on a rock or some other hard thing. So, why did he pass out? I can just imagine how bad his breath smelled to the Lilliputians who never gave a thought to making him a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Ah, where's his bathroom ...? Why do the Lilliputians and the Giants employ human architecture? How can they build Gulliver-sized structures so quickly? How did a Lilliputian come to know about a hippopotamus? How can they make an electric generator without prior knowledge of electricity? And let's not even get into the complexities of metallurgy and mechanical engineering required in building the "robot".  I wonder if  some of  those  Lilliputians sprawled themselves over the unconscious Darcy's breasts or dry-humped her crotch?  Those billboards with photographs ... how ....?  When the Lilliputians gathered around Gulliver, I couldn't help but wonder if  whether or not the teeny, tiny people had something similar to Odor-Eaters insoles.   I don't know if this is a spoiler or not, but the last scene shows an article dated, "June 20, 2011 -- June 3, 2011." There's a name typo in the Ending Credits: Doiminic Evans ( data wrangler )--or is this a typo?

fyi: I loved the ICE AGE Squirrel & Acorn Short before the movie.

Amanda Peet's character's last name in this movie is, Silverman. Here's a fun fact: Jack Black and Amanda Peet co-starred in 2001's, SAVING SILVERMAN. Coincidence or not? You decide.

Back when my family lived in an apartment in Matina, Davao City, Mindanao, Philippines, I discovered the simple boyhood fun of pissing on hot coals. But I hated the stench of the steam created as my urine doused the coals.

word of advice: Being small has its own advantages.

tidbits: I wore a brand new pair of sneakers today for the first time. And, of all days, it had to be a rainy one!

I wanted to overnight stay in Bakersfield, CA. But I changed my mind because of the day-long rain.

LITTLE FOCKERS, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 38 min )

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA
when: Thursday, December 23rd, 2010
show: 1:05 p.m.
costs: $7.50 Ticket + $4.50 Pretzel Bites + $4.00 small Diet/Zero ( w/ Barq's & Cherry flavors ) Coke = $16.00
auditorium: 12
seat: 5th row, 4th seat

synopsis/overview: When Jack Byrnes' ( Robert De Niro ) first son-in-law turned out to be a big disappointment, the pressure of living-up to his strict monogamous standards falls on the shoulders of Gaylord ( Greg ) Focker ( Ben Stiller ) just as a beautiful, hot and sexy pharmaceutical sales rep, Andi Garcia ( Jessica Alba ), walks into their lives.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Lizard friend; 2.) The sales rep; 3.) Your enema is my enema; 4.) Bad ass; 5.) Genealogy; 6.) Musical condom; 7.) "I never went soft on you"; 8.) "Harvard's cheaper"; 9.) Kevin's ( Owen Wilson ) yacht; 10.) The Godfocker; 11.) Lasagna dinner; 12.) Turkey dinner; 13.) Massage technique; 14.) "All good under the hood"; 15.) Early Human School; 16.) Dump truck; 17.) Roz Focker Show; 18.) "Andi gives daddy his boners"; 19.) Text message; 20.) Looking for milk; 21.) Role-playing; 22.) "Red-eye problem"; 23.) The Bobfather; 24.) The hard problem; 25.) The bathroom; 26.) "Could you and dad keep it down, please"; 27.) Wee-wee; 28.) Google MySpace; 29.) Tattoo; 30.) The interview; 31.) Course correction; 32.) Andi, in person; 33.) The seduction; 34.) Belly flop; 35.) Birthday party; 36.) "Flamenco's very sexual"; 37.) Fight; 38.) The cat and the lizard; 39.) "Your soul or your tongue"; 40.) The Heimlich Maneuver; 41.) "I get it"; 42.) "You're the Gredfocker"; 43.) Exchanging Christmas gifts; and 44.) Bonus Scene during the Ending Credits.

favorite scene: Andi Garcia's seduction scene, of course.

audience reaction: The audience enjoyed this Comedy.

recommendation: I liked it, too. Go see it, especially if you're a fan of the first two of this trilogy.

spoiler alert! You can't get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from masturbating. Heck, if that were true, all guys of "raging-hormones" age would have it! If his blood can squirt out that quickly and that far, he must have a really high blood pressure. He's a nurse, so he should have swabbed the area with alcohol before using the needle. I took Cultural Anthropology in College and know enough that the Yanomamo tribe is indigenous to South America and, therefore, have never encountered the African Chimpanzee out in the wild. I can't believe that Kevin wasn't even mildly interested in the stunningly-hot Andi.

fyi: Boy, am I glad that Ben's dad is not in this movie!

Many years ago, I went to a clinic in San Francisco, California, to have my genetic make-up analyzed. The lab results indicated that I am Caucasian. Thinking that they made a mistake, I had them do it over again, twice. And the results were the same: I'm white! Yeah, white in disguise. Ha, ha, ha.

word of advice: Give someone the benefit of a doubt.

tidbits: The Ending Credits show a listing for, "Godfocker Trumpet," whatever that is.

After the movie, I went to the men's room to empty my bladder. The second stall to the right had a posted sign on it that read: "This stall is out of service. Sorry for the inconvenience." To which, somebody hand-wrote: "Will open 12/24 2:00 p.m." I couldn't resist, so I added: 1st come, first served. So, reserve your seat. ( Ha, ha, ha. )

Then, I went to Benicia to pick-up my check and to look at my schedule for next week. And I shopped a little bit at Safeway. Then, I drove back to Vallejo to make a deposit at Chase Bank. And I dropped a car insurance payment at CSAA. Then, I went to Springs Road here in Vallejo to shop at 99 Cents Only Store, Selecta and Island Pacific for the Pansit ( Filipino noodle dish ) that I plan on making for tomorrow's Potluck dinner at work. And, on the way home, I did a little bit more shopping at Lucky's.

TRON: LEGACY in I-MAX 3-D, PG ( 2 hr & 7 min )

where: AMC BAY STREET 16 in Emeryville, CA
when: Wednesday ( Free Popcorn Day with a movie watcher card ), December 22nd, 2010
show: 10:30 p.m.
costs: $17.00 + $5.25 Garage Parking Fee + $5.00 Chevron gas + $5.00 Carquinez Bridge Toll = $32.25
auditorium: 8, with the I-Max screen
seat: 4th row, 9th column

synopsis/overview: Sam Flynn ( Garrett Hedlund ) learns of a mysterious page from his father's long-closed arcade house. As Sam investigates, he is pulled into a computer world of programs and gladiatorial fights. And he must try his best to survive if he is to find his long-lost father and return them both to the physical world.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Grid; 2.) Codified Likeness Utility ( C.L.U. [ Jeff Bridges ] ); 3.) Digital frontier; 4.) Big door; 5.) Security camera; 6.) Computer room; 7.) Master file; 8.) Crane; 9.) Rough landing; 10.) "I was paged last night"; 11.) Arcade; 12.) Aperture clear; 13.) "This is happening"; 14.) "Another program"; 15.) "Hey! hey! it's got a zipper"; 16.) The games; 17.) User; 18.) Freaks; 19.) Fireworks; 20.) "Now, this, I can do"; 21.) "Made it"; 22.) "You're here"; 23.) "Do you know Jules Verne"; 24.) Dinner; 25.) The Isos; 26.) Genocide; 27.) "It closed on me"; 28.) Master Key; 29.) Sector; 30.) Traced point of origin; 31.) "We're going downtown"; 32.) Intruder; 33.) "You just did"; 34.) Fight; 35.) Disc; 36.) "You're messing with my Zen thing"; 37.) The last Iso; 38.) End of line; 39.) Army; 40.) "I'm a user, I'll improvise"; 41.) Aerial dogfight; 42.) "Unknowable perfection"; 43.) Transfer complete; 44.) "You paged me"; and 45.) "What's next, Sam?"

favorite scenes: The sirens.

The gladiatorial combats.

The light-bike race.

Quorra sitting on the couch.

audience reaction: The audience liked it.

recommendation: It was okay. Go see it strictly for the visual SFX.

spoiler alert! That arcade house was located in a now-bad part of town, it seems. So, why would Sam have music blaring-out loud, leave the door open, and last, but certainly not least, leave an expensive motorcycle parked outside where lowlifes probably have taken shelter for the evening in the surrounding abandoned buildings? Why would the camera's aperture be clear when everything else in that secret room was covered in a thick layer of dust? For a really fast vehicle, that light-car sure had a lot of free-play on the steering wheel! Kevin Flynn ( Jeff Bridges ), a widower, alone with Quorra ( Olivia Wilde ), a beautiful, hot, sexy, loyal, and very accommodating personal assistant like that for many, many years .... Wow! what is a man to do in that situation? Ahem, you know---Heck, yeah! I don't think three people can finish-off a whole roasted pig in just one sitting. How do they manage to get some sleep with that circular "thingy" on their backs? And speaking of the circular "thingy", if they don't want anybody snatching it away from them, why can't they just put a lock on it, like a Deadbolt or a Kryptonite kind or, better yet, The Club? ( The Club would be the most practical kind since you can use it to whack somebody in the head with if that somebody tries to steal your circular "thingy." ) When Sam was outfitted for gladiatorial combat by the four sirens, they all walked around in a robotic fashion. But, later on, one of the sirens, Gem ( Beau Garrett ), walked around in a normal fashion. Why the change ...? How did Quorra walk past Alan Bradley ( Bruce Boxleitner ) and out of the arcade house well-ahead of Sam when they traveled and, presumably, arrived together at the same time? Where did they come up with extra sets of clothes and how were they able to change into them so quickly after their transition? ( What ...? Did they delete the "Quorra-changing-clothes" Scene? Damn it! )

fyi: I never saw Part One. Hopefully, it will turn-up on movie2k.com, or as a rental, so that I can watch how it all began.

Well, as it turns out, tonight is a "Jeff Bridges double-bill." Imagine that.

word of advice: Equal but opposite Forces cancel each other out.

tidbits: In-between movies, I went to check on my cute white Geo Metro to see if it was alright because I was forced to park too close for comfort right next to a Lincoln Town Car. But my Metro was safe and sound. I didn't need to worry after all. But I had that Lincoln's license plate number jotted down for "just-in-case".

At the box office, there was only one pay window open, the one on the far right. And there, at that end of the counter, sat an Oriental girl texting on her cellphone. And her feet were just about a foot away from the pay window! I found that so very offensive and so very unprofessional that when I got up to the concessions counter, I looked for the manager and made a complaint.

The ticket taker gave me a pair of 3-D glasses that was in a box full of obviously used ones. I took my pair of 3-D glasses into the men's room and washed it thoroughly with warm water and soap. I was not gonna put that thing on my face without cleaning it first just in case someone before me who used it had the cold or the flu.

After the movie, I went to the CVS store in North Oakland at the Rockridge Shopping Center to see it there was anything good to buy. As I stepped out of my car, I heard an electronic game noise coming from a white car parked close to the store's main entrance. In front of the car was its owner and another man. The owner was playing a video game on the car's front bumper. He had rigged it so that instead of a license plate, a video game screen was in its place. That is one stupidly impractical place for a video game screen, if you ask me. Don't play and drive! L.O.L.

On the way home, I stopped at the Chevron gas station across the Pinole Valley Shopping Center to get $5.00 worth of gas. The clerk, a tiny Chinese-looking man with scraggly, sparse facial hair was busy texting on his cellphone ( Do I detect a pattern here? ) and didn't notice me at first as I politely knocked on the window. I put down a 10-spot in the cash chute and told him that I just needed $5.00 worth of gas. And he said, "Give me a thousand dollars." I asked, What .... "Give me a thousand dollars," he repeated, "I'm Santa." Then he laughed a diabolically maniacal-sounding laugh! That was weird .... And just as quickly and unexpectedly, he turned and walked back to his little corner to do more texting on his cellphone.

And as I stood there pumping gas into my Geo Metro, a white mini pick-up parked around the corner from the cash chute. And the driver, a young Oriental guy, walked up to the cash chute and told the clerk that he wanted to buy an Arizona Tea. And the clerk said, "It's on sale, five dollars!" And he let-out another round of his diabolically maniacal-sounding laugh.

I don't know if you've seen those old Kung-Fu movies where the bad guy would macho-strut around all-stiff and chest-out, and with a determinedly mean look on his face would quickly stare at the camera and do a diabolically maniacal-sounding laugh; and, just as quickly, would stop laughing and turn to walk away. Well, this Chevron clerk is probably a magna cum laude graduate of the same School of Bad Chinese Acting. Ha, ha, ha.

TRUE GRIT, PG-13 ( 2 hr & 8 min )

where: AMC BAY STREET 16 in Emeryville, CA
when: Wednesday ( Free Popcorn Day with a movie rewards card ), December 22nd, 2010
show: 8:00 p.m.
costs: $11.00 Ticket + $0.00 small Popcorn + $4.25 small Zero Coke = $15.25
auditorium: 12
seat: 1st row, 6th column

synopsis/overview: A doggedly determined young girl, Mattie Ross ( Hailee Steinfeld ), tags along as a US Marshal, Rooster Cogburn ( Jeff Bridges ), and a Texas Ranger, Mr. LaBoeuf ( Matt Damon ), go on the hunt for the girl's father's killer, bad guy Tom Chaney ( Josh Brolin ).

prediction: This movie is a strong contender for Oscar Nominations in the Best Actor and Best Actress categories.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Funeral home; 2.) The three hanged men; 3.) Outhouse; 4.) Coffin; 5.) Haggling with a horse trader; 6.) Trial; 7.) Bedroom; 8.) "Trading again"; 9.) Employer; 10.) Letter; 11.) River; 12.) Spanking; 13.) Campfire chat; 14.) "I'll have my way"; 15.) Indian kids; 16.) Hanged man; 17.) "Medical attention"; 18.) Chimney; 19.) Confession; 20.) "That didn't pan out"; 21.) Drunk rider; 22.) Target shooting; 23.) "I misjudged you"; 24.) The bad guy; 25.) Hostage; 26.) Crazy bad guy; 27.) Plan; 28.) Shoot-out; 29.) Pit; 30.) "Never doubt a Texas Ranger"; 31.) Race against time; 32.) "I'm grown old"; 33.) Side show; and 34.) Gravesite.

audience reaction: The audience really enjoyed this Western movie and gave it a "Hands Clapper" ending.

recommendation: I liked this movie, too. Go see it.

spoiler alert! It doesn't make sense to use Proverbs 28:1 ( "The wicked flee though no one pursues ..." [ NIV, 2010 ] ) to start-off this movie. They were supposed to be in hostile Indian country but I only saw three Indians, two of which were the physically-abused kids. Why didn't Rooster start shooting as soon as he had a clear shot before LaBeouf got in harm's way? With a gunshot wound to the shoulder like that, I don't think LaBoeuf could use his wounded arm to lean himself against a boulder, use it to prop-up his rifle and/or pull on a rope with it. When Rooster took Mattie to the doctor, why didn't he take another horse along with them, since he had ridden horses for years and knew what was bound to happen if he rode a horse hard, fast and for a long time? The narration was done twenty-five years after the events of this story, but the adult Mattie made a miscalculation that LaBeouf would be in his mid-70s or early 80s even though he was just about 40 years old or even younger when they met each other at the start of the story ( It's a simple 40 + 25 = 65 calculation )--of course, I haven't read the book and therefore don't know how old LaBeouf was at the start.

fyi: The expression, "Well hung," comes from the fact that a hanged man will get an erection because blood flow to the head is cut-off, forcing the blood to go to the other "head". ( In other words, that Vulture was perched on the wrong spot. Ha, ha, ha--snort! )

word of advice: "You can run but you can't hide." ( American boxer Joe Louis )

tidbits: At work earlier today, I was helping a co-worker find something out on the sales floor when a white lady walked by with a baby in her cart and her little son on a leash. I turned to my co-worker, C., and whispered in her ear, That's one weird-looking dog: It looks like a little boy. LOL!

On my way home from work ( to switch clothes and cars ) before going to see this movie, I followed a pick-up truck with a rear license plate holder that reads, "My son died so you could have your freedom." I've read of some local folks here in town who've lost their loved ones in Iraq and Afghanistan. But this is the first time that I've come close to personally knowing a parent of a K.I.A. soldier. I felt sorry for that parent especially with this Christmas holiday coming up.