THE LEGEND OF TARZAN, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 50 min )

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where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA
when:  Saturday, July 2nd, 2016
show:  10:30 a.m. 3- D Extra Dollar Off First Show Matinee
costs:  $11.00 Ticket + $3.90 20.0 oz Dasani Water that I bought at the concessions counter to wash down the snack pack bag of mixed nuts that I smuggled-in ( I only ate half of the amount ).
auditorium:  7
seat:  6th row from the front, 8ht column from the left

2nd time:

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where:  EDWARDS FAIRFIELD STADIUM 16 & I-MAX
when:  Tuesday, July 5th, 2016
show:  7:20 p.m. 3-D
costs:  $11.75 Ticket ( Economy Tuesday ) + $4.89 20.0 oz Dasani Water + $13.68 dinner @ Hometown Buffet before the show + $1.00 Tip = $31.32
auditorium:  12
seat:  6th row from the front, 7th column from the right

synopsis/overview:  A vengeful warrior chief, Chief Mbonqa ( Djimon Hounsou ), and a king's henchman, Leon Rom ( Christoph Waltz ), plot to lure Tarzan ( Alexander Skarsgard ) back into the Congo where revenge could be exacted.

noteworthy scenes:  1.) "All I need is a name"; 2.) Slavery; 3.) "The jungle consumes everything"; 4.) Alpha gorilla's rage; 5.) Diary; 6.) Lionesses; 7.) Ledger; 8.) Ivory; 9.) "Tarzan, you look funny"; 10.) The Legend of Tarzan"; 11.) Mating calls; 12.) Handkerchief; 13.) Jane's home; 14.) Night raid; 15.) "They have my wife and their families"; 16.) Orchestrated truth; 17.) Cliff jump; 18.) Vine; 19.) Ears; 20.) French; 21.) Gorilla beatdown, part one; 22.) Madagascar spider silk; 23.) Candlelight dinner; 24.) Ostriches; 25.) Gorilla beatdown, part two; 26.) "You want me to lick his nuts, too"; 27.) "Tastes like bacon"; 28.) "Walking, talking powder keg"; 29.) Hippopotamuses; 30.) Broken promise; 31.) Tarzan's call; 32.) Tarzan versus Chief Mbonqa; 33.) Stampede; 34.) 1886 model Maxim Machine Gun; 35.) Hug; 36.) Open letter to King Leopold of Belgium; and 37.) One year later.

audience reaction:  The audience liked it but didn't give it a "Hands Clapper" ending.

2nd audience reaction:  The audience liked this, too, but didn't give it a "Hands Clapper" ending.

recommendation:   I liked this movie since I'm a Tarzan fan. Go see this movie if you're a Tarzan fan, too.

spoiler alert!  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard in this movie? After all, growing wild, he wouldn't have had the concept of shaving off one's beard. I guess imitating different mating calls is Tarzan's idea of foreplay.  Two things about the hide-and-seek game scene: a.) You don't go playing said game in the jungle where dangerous animals lurk about; b.) The village where Jane ( Margot Robbie ) was staying at WAS FAR, FAR AWAY from the jungle territory of the vicious Mangani Apes ( Why would Jane and the children travel such a great distance just to play a game of hide-and-seek? ). To put it into proper perspective, Tarzan and George ( Samuel L. Jackson ) left Jane's village, ran across the savanna, jogged through a forest, climbed up a hill, jumped off a cliff, swung through the trees, rode a train, and hiked for a while before they could even reach Mangani Ape territory! Yup, Tarzan sure was butt-naked when he and Jane first meat--oops! I mean, met. Ha, ha, ha. A tribesman said that it was their custom not to enter Jane's home while she was away; that seemed like his way of saying, "Nope, we ain't doin' your housecleaning for you. We're scared of spiders. And your house is covered in cobwebs!" Unlike in the comic books that depicted Tarzan beating apes in a fight, this movie is more realistic--which is good. All of those machine guns and rifles, with their combined thousands of rounds, could have easily slowed down and diverted the stampeding herds had they been all put into use. Did the bad guy get eaten by crocodiles or did he get himself sexually violated by them since they were first attracted to him by the sound of a mating call? This Tarzan never said, "Ungawa numbato!" ( I don't know how many of you out there remember this command. ) Which was kind of a disappointment to me. And, Tarzan only put on his loincloth at the end of the movie!

fyi:  Seeing the sight of all of those elephant tusks made me feel bad for all of the elephants and rhinoceroses that were killed through the centuries just to supply the Ivory Trade. 

I like Johnny Weissmuller's  "Tarzan Call" much better. I guess because that was the "Tarzan Call" that I grew familiar with as I watched old Tarzan movies on TV back in the Philippines.

I like Casper Van Dien's Tarzan's ( 1998 ) "simian fighting style" better.

I don't know if you all know this, but Tarzan was originally given the name, Zantar.

Samuel L. Jackson is likable in this movie since he kept his use of profanity largely turned down.

I wonder how Koko, the gorilla, would rate the apes in this movie.


This garment shown below ...

I found this on the Internet.

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was woven from the silk gathered from 1 million Madagascar Golden Orb Spiders.

Back in the Philippines, I had a crush on the daughter of my mom's coworker. We visited their place one early evening, after seeing a movie, for a get-together dinner. Then, we all posed for a picture. The girl sat on the sofa and I stood directly behind her. Before the photo was taken, I managed to curl a lock of hair at either side of my head, a la "comic strip" Tarzan's hair locks.

Look at Tarzan's hair locks in this image. I found this on the Internet.

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There I was, a little fat kid with Tarzan hair locks! Ha, ha, ha. I wish I had a copy of that old black-and-white picture. Because it is good for a few more embarrassingly good laughs.

Lastly, Edgar Rice Burroughs, the author/creator of Tarzan, couldn't get any publisher to publish his novel. He had to self-publish it. And the rest, as they say, is history!

word of advice:  Revenge can be an all-consuming passion.

tidbits:  After I bought the bottled water at the concessions counter, I went up to one of the supervisors and explained to him what had happened the night before, that everybody had to leave the building, and that I didn't get to finish watching THE BFG and that I would like to see it again. The supervisor went to fetch me a Free Pass. I asked him what the emergency was all about. He said that some a**hole low-life punk pulled an emergency lever as a practical joke! Some inconsiderate lowlifes had got nothing else better to do than to inconvenience everyone else--another prime example of what I refer to as "The Vallejo Crowd".

2nd tidbits:  At 4:31 p.m., I was thinking of the movie, FINDING DORY. And of how Dory befriended Hank, the octopus. And it occurred to me that in Spanish, you would introduce them both as, Hank y Dory. As in, Hunkydory! So, yeah, later on, I went back to my FINDING DORY post and added-in this particular "easter egg". 

As I was about to leave the Benicia Safeway Supermarket parking lot, on my way to see this movie, some bitch just cut me off! I had the right-of-way but she just made her left turn like she owned the parking lot. What a dumbass bitch.

Bad things always happen twice to me. There's gonna be another incident later on today, I said to myself.

I was on northbound I-80, approaching the Vallejo hill section when, all of a sudden, I saw a red pickup truck suddenly appear in my rear-view mirror. The idiot driver was travelling well in excess of the speed limit as he weaved in and out of lanes without even using his signal lights!

There is a section of the freeway just as you enter Suisun that is a well-known speed trap. I hoped and prayed that a highway patrolman would be there to catch the over-speeding idiot. But, it was not meant to be.

As I got to Fairfield, I had a choice of having dinner at  Burger King and accessing their Wi-Fi while I ate or eat at Home Town Buffet Restaurant just across the street from the cineplex. One hour on the Internet wouldn't have been enough for me. So, I decided to have dinner at Home Town Buffet Restaurant, instead.

I had a good enough dinner. But their battered fried chicken was just too salty for my taste. 

It was time for me to go for seconds at 6:32 p.m. I scooted to the left to get off the seat. But I over-scooted and would have fallen onto the floor hard on my butt had I not extended my left arm out to break the fall. I felt a jolt in my bad left shoulder. I was worried that I managed to dislocate my left shoulder once again as I could feel some pain in the joint area. But the pain lasted for just a few minutes while I finished my second and third plates. 

Before the Tarzan movie started, the audience was "treated" to a Rihanna music video, Sledgehammer, which is the theme (?) song of the upcoming Star Trek movie.

I found this on the Internet.

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You might say that this is Rihanna's answer to Miley Cyrus's Wrecking Ball. But it is one godawful song-and-dance video! I truly wanted to boo my displeasure at this "music" video and would have had I been uncouth. It has "FLOP" written all over it, I think. 

I made a detour, on my way home, at American Canyon Road, to go to the American Canyon Wal-Mart Super Center to buy some work uniforms. They were sold-out of the white pocket Polo Shirts that I wanted to buy. But they had the Khaki Pants that I needed to buy. I bought three at $9.00 each.


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A female news reporter hiked through the dense jungle of Africa to interview the legendary ape-man, Tarzan. Finally, she came upon him and began the interview thus:

Reporter: Tarzan, rumor has it that you are of noble blood. What is your full name?

Tarzan: ( proudly ) Me, Tarzan! ( thumps his chest )

Intimidated by such an imposing presence, the reporter switched the subject.

Reporter: Tarzan, you have a son. What is your son's name?

Tarzan: ( impatiently ) Son named, Boy!

Reporter: ( nervously ) Well, I guess that that makes sense since he was born in the jungle and wouldn't have need of a proper name. ( switching the subject ) But your wife, Jane, was born in the outside world and would have a whole name. So, please tell us. What is Jane's whole name?

Tarzan: ( puzzled ) Jane whole name?

Reporter: Yes, Jane's whole name. What is Jane's whole name?

Tarzan: Jane whole name, PUSSY!



( 'Sorry .... It's a stupid joke but it's Tarzan-related. Which is why I posted it here. I first came across this joke at least 32 years ago, back when I still had somewhat of a juvenile mind. I knew that if I was patient and waited long enough I would eventually get to use this joke---Hah!  LOL )




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