I went to see this movie last night, Saturday, March 29th, 2014, here in Vallejo, CA, at the CENTURY 14 VALLEJO, for the 8:55 p.m. show in auditorium 8, 5th row ( counting from the front ), 9th column ( counting from the left ). The price of admission was $10.75. And I bought a $1.00 upgrade-to-a-medium on a Free Small Popcorn w/ Butter ( a Cine-Mark Weekly E-Mail Discount Special ), and a $5.10 large Powerade Mountain Berry Blast at the concessions counter.
Quickie Review: Because all men of Cain's lineage have all turned to evil ways, Noah ( Russell Crowe ) is commanded by God to build an Ark and take into it land animals in two reproductive pairs from each unclean species and in seven reproductive pairs from each clean species of all of God's Creations in preparation for the Great Deluge which will drown everything else living on land.
Some people in the audience liked this movie and even gave it a "Hands Clapper" ending. These people obviously didn't read the Bible or the Tanak!
I didn't like this movie at all! This is worse than SON OF GOD. Go see this if you don't want to read the Bible or the Tanak but still want to appear "knowledgeable" about its specifics.
Here are the things WRONG in this movie ( and I will not cite or quote exact chapters and verses in the Book of Genesis [ chapters 1-9 ] because I want you to fact-check every single one of my assertions ): Either I didn't clean my ears properly and/or the buzzing and ringing in my ears were both very loud and kept me from hearing the dialogues correctly or they didn't mention the word, "God," so as to be "politically-correct" and not offend the sensibilities of Atheists and Agnostics who might happen to watch this movie. The Bible/Tanak says that the Sons of God had sex with the Daughters of Men. But seeing in this movie that the Sons of God are encrusted in rock, I don't see how sexual intercourse was even remotely possible with the Daughters of Men even though they were obviously rock-hard ( pun intended )! There is no mention in the Genesis account of Tubal-Cain killing Noah's father, Lamech. Noah's sons Shem, Ham and Japheth were all born together when Noah was 500-years old---Yes! Shem, Ham and Japheth WERE TRIPLETS! And all three sons entered The Ark each with his own wife! Methuselah died at the ripe old age of 969 just before the Great Deluge; God didn't drown him with Cain's descendants. So, Noah loves little flowers and doesn't dare do harm to any of them but absolutely has no reservations about felling down an entire forest of trees! Where did Noah get Bamboo? Not from the local forest, I'm sure. Why would an idiot set "bear traps" so close to the crowded tent village in areas where villagers would be expected to go pee and poo? Can you imaging squatting down to poo on a concealed bear trap and you just happen to have low-hanging testicles?!?!?! Why were there no flies in that mass grave? And how could she eat food while in the mass grave? I can't even eat where I poop because it's so disgusting! How come Noah and his family were not affected by the sleeping smoke? While the waves were battering The Ark and the rainstorm was bombarding it mercilessly, they kept a furnace burning with the windows closed yet none died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning! Also, animals fart, i.e. flatulate, a lot whether they are sleeping or not; and, with that furnace burning with the windows closed, it would be just a matter of time before all of that Methane build-up from all the ensuing farts would blow The Ark to smithereens! With such a huge menagerie of terrestrial creatures jam-packed inside of The Ark, how did Noah compensate for the great Water Displacement? Opps, they forgot to install a toilet in that ark. Why did the silhouetted "man-killing-man" sequence stretch all the way to Modern Times when the story of Noah's Ark concerns itself only with Antediluvian Evilness? God's curse on Eve about having labor pains obviously suggested a gradual shift to Bipedalism since a human female's pelvic girdle must necessarily narrow down to effect a proper bipedal gait. Ham--and for that matter, Noah and all his family--was not a vegetarian! In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve ate what could essentially be described as none other than "monkey food." Before God expelled them from the garden, they were given animal skins ( from a blood covenant sacrificial offering ) to cover themselves with. Cain's sacrificial offering was rejected by God because it was a vegetarian offering that had no more divine merit! Abel, on the other hand, offered-up an animal sacrifice in honor of the blood covenant between his father, Adam, and God. Animal sacrificial offering equates with the eating of animal flesh!!! Like I said, Ham was not a vegetarian; neither was he a vegan because important blood covenants in the Bible/Tanak come with revised dietary laws from God to sustain the gradual step-by-step evolution of Mankind ( yes, you read that right ). Obviously, the Antediluvian account suggests that people in that day and age were technologically advanced enough to have worked with Bronze and Iron. And it's highly probable that they, too, had learned to weave fabrics and fashion clothes--notice the rib knit top worn by Noah's wife, Naameh ( Jennifer Connelly ), in a much later scene--but I just can seem to figure out why the people's clothes in this movie were poorly-stitched together! Okay, so an unwanted guest on The Ark was responsible for the extinction of certain species--o-k-a-y .... Twin sisters--huh ...? The Ark floated for 150 days before The Great Flood started to recede. Which begs the question: How did they termite-proof The Ark in the first place? Noah was the one who set the birds off to search for dry land. Is this movie implying incest? But that is to come many chapters later in the account of Lot and his two daughters! Did poor, desperate and horny Ham ( Logan Lerman ), all alone, become overwhelmed by his raging hormones and ended-up "pleasuring" ( ahem! ) himself to death?
This movie is rated PG-13 for, among other things, disturbing images. And, yes, seeing Russell Crowe's naked butt on the Big Screen is disturbing enough!
Do you remember what I said in my last blog concerning the Unpardonable Sin of Blasphemy Against the Holy Spirit? I think this Aronofsky movie qualifies as such on a Grand/Epic scale! Ha, ha, ha.
It's true that stories of a Great Flood can be found everywhere on Earth in the dim recesses of Man's distant past. And the Bible's/Tanak's account of The Great Food is similar to an earlier version from Mesopotamia. But these similarities only serve to validate the account of such a flood. A good candidate for this Great Flood is the Mediterranean Sea which formed over 5.0 million years ago in the area mentioned in the Bible/Tanak. But evidence of Antediluvian human habitation in the area would most likely be buried deep beneath the Mediterranean Sea's seabed. And that is where scientists would prefer it kept because such a proof would challenge their notion that Homo Sapiens evolved at a later date!
I learned of the Mediterranean Sea's formation when I studied Geology in college. Unfortunately, it was mentioned in one of the last chapters of my textbook. So, my professor never got around to lecturing on it during the semester. But I took the time to read the chapter for myself.
The Bible/Tanak mentions that mists sustained the vegetation in The Garden of Eden. It would imply that this particular account occurred during an extreme Ice Age. And that would mean that both Adam and Eve were covered in hair, and lots of it--think Ripley's Believe It Or Not "hairy human" entries! No wonder God asked The First Couple, "Who told you that you were naked?"
After God drove them out of the garden, Adam and Eve worked the land by the sweat of their brow, implying that the Ice Age had ended and that they were them experiencing Global Warming. And, by the time of Noah, so much Glacier Ice had melted that the underground Aquifers in the Mediterranean area were simply overwhelmed and caused water to shoot out of the ground just before more water breached the mountain barrier and flooded the entire region! ( You must keep in mind that mountain ranges way back then were not that high. )
And Noah only gathered animals from said local area.
Because of Global Warming, The Flood eventually receded and the water evaporated to form clouds which gave forth light rain that caused the first rainbow to appear in the sky.
Some christians ( James Ussher among them ) and Jews believe that the Earth is just a few thousand years old. But they arrived at that simple conclusion by adding-up the begats in the Bible/Tanak. But they forget that GOD'S TIME IS NON-LINEAR! Proof of God's Non-Linear Time is hinted at in the account of Sodom and Gomorrah and mentioned especially in Daniel's Prophecy of The 70 Weeks! In this sense, Methuselah, at 969 years of age, was not the oldest living patriarch of the Bible. Another patriarch has been "alive" for about 4,000 years now! A godlike man who once was Jacob and renamed by God as Israel, the man who wrestled with God ( Genesis 32:22-32 ). Therefore, a land or territory can be personified as a living human being in accordance with Bible/Tanak tradition. And just as you can plant a seed in a land or territory to replace a dying tree, the tree that the new seed grows into will eventually replace the previous one ( remember, Jesus Christ also used seeds symbolically to illustrate the different kinds of faithful followers [ Matthew 13:19-23 ) in the same way when a father begets a son to keep his lineage alive. But just because a seed is planted in good soil doesn't mean that it will grow into a tree right away or even grow at all; it could lay dormant for some time or just die. And just because you begat a son doesn't necessarily mean that your son will carry-on the family tradition; such a task could fall upon the shoulders of your grandson, great grandson, great great grandson, etc. This is my explanation of God's Non-Linear Time.
A Dutchman by the name of Johan Huibers build a 1/2 scale replica and a full-scale replica of Noah's Ark. It took him 20 years to build them mostly by his lonesome self, with occasional help from his son, Roy. So, yes, it is highly probable that Noah could build his full-scale Ark in a 100 year's time.
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| This is from Wikipedia. This is Johan Huiber's full scale Ark. |
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| This is from Wikipedia, too. It is the 1/2 scale Ark of Johan Huibers. |
In all probability, The Ark was not a ship but, rather, a rudderless floating sanctuary.
Aronofsky's ark was damaged by Hurricane Sandy as it was being constructed. Perhaps, it was an unheeded sign from God.
Why didn't they consult with me, Cine-Man, Technical Adviser/Bible Researcher, before they made this movie so that I could have told them that they were all just a bunch of stupid blaspheming Idiots?
Am I the only one who mistook Ray Winstone ( who played the part of Tubal-Cain ) for Mickey Rourke?
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I bought a new TracFone pay-as-you-go cellphone today, a Samsung S380C, because it was on sale for just $19.99 ( $49.99 original price ); and because it has a qwerty keypad, unlike my LG flip phone. So it will be easier and faster for me to text on it. I also bought it because it has triple minutes, unlike my LG flip phone which comes with double minutes. I will keep both of these as back-ups for my Samsung Galaxy Mega.
When my manager found out that I will be meeting three nieces for the first time this coming Tuesday, she bought me three 5.0 oz Twix Easter Eggs to give to them as a welcome present (a.k.a. Pasalubong among Pilipinos ). That was nice of my manager to do so--and she saved me the trouble and expense of having to buy some presents myself! Ha, ha, ha. (I hope that my nieces don't read this blog or I will be in trouble. LOL )
As I walked up to the box office to buy my movie ticket, I overheard a girl say, "It's cold!" Yes, it was unseasonably cold like Winter-time cold.
At the concessions counter, the bearded employee who rang-up my purchase asked me if I was there to see the NOAH movie. I said that I was. He said that I should get in the auditorium soon because it will be crowded. I laughed and said that I already know that it is a stupid movie and that I cannot wait to blog about it.
I decided early on not to use my world-famous standard blog format on this movie because of its glaring scriptural inaccuracies! Besides, I just wanted to enjoy my buttered popcorn unimpeded by note-taking in the dark using a greasy notepad and writing with greasy fingers.
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