STRAW DOGS, R ( 1 hr & 50 min )

Quickie Review:  A Hollywood screenwriter relocates with his beautiful actress wife to her old home in the deep South.  But some of the locals don't like having him around.

Kate Bosworth is the only reason why I went to see this movie, honestly.  And I was not fully satisfied!

Here are the things that I didn't like about this movie:  This movie's  plot contrivances are a laughable joke!  A cat will not make that kind of a noise before it jumps on a person's lap if it knows the person; and it wouldn't jump on the person's lap if it doesn't know the person, unless it was trained to attack strangers!  Cats are not psychic, but they have a very excellent sense of  Hearing and can tell whether you are a Friend or Foe simply by listening to your heartbeat!  So, the bad guy would have had a hard time getting a hold of that cat!  "I dress for you," said she.  But, if she were my lovely wife, I would have told her,  Well, then, put on a bra because I'd hate to see your breasts sag and end-up looking like a pair of  Sunny-Side Up Eggs nailed to a plank of wood!  In a later scene, she wore a bathrobe AND YOU COULD SEE THE OUTLINE OF HER BRA STRAPS!!!   Hey, woman, I didn't mean for you to wear your bra while you take a  bath or a shower---Come on! geesh, Louise ....  Yeah, like a very beautiful girl like that would hit-on the hometown Retard!  ( Pardon the expression. )  I hate to say this, and some of you might hate me for saying it, but she dressed like a slut-bitch ( Even for Church, of all places! ) and she acted  like a slut-bitch ( 'Remember the Bedroom Window scene? ); in other words, she "asked" for it--must be why she didn't report it.  "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife" is NOT ( I repeat, NOT ) one of the TEN COMMANDMENTS ( EXODUS 20: 1 - 17 )!  That's already covered in the "Thou shall not commit Adultery."  The Catholic Church rewrote the Ten Commandments to get rid of the "Thou shall not practice Idolatry" ( Because Catholics love to worship idols ) Commandment and split the "Thou shall not Covet ... " into two parts ( 1. Goods, and 2. Wife ) so that the end result would still be 10 "commandments" instead of  just 9.  No wonder the locals hated him because he was a Catholic and they were Protestants.  Ha, ha, ha.

DETECTIVE DEE AND THE MYSTERY OF THE PHANTOM FLAME, PG-13 ( 2 hr & 2 min )

Quickie Review:  Based on the real-life exploits of China's version of Sherlock Holmes, Di Renjie, a law officer of the Tang Dynasty.  Detective Dee is highly-critical of the new Empress and is put in prison where he stays for eight years.  When the Empress' important court officials die one by one by way of spontaneous human combustion, people begin to think that the gods are angry at having a female ascend to the throne.  To get to the heart of this mysterious matter, the Empress releases Detective Dee to solve it before her official coronation takes place, putting his life on the line.

I liked it, somewhat.  I don't know what the other four or five people in the audience thought about it.

Here are the things that I didn't like about the movie:  I don't like to see wire-work in martial arts movies anymore.  They are stupid and they lessen the "Believability Factor" of a movie.  And what was with that "Robot-like weapon fitted with circular-saw appendages"?  A human-propelled log will not travel a straight horizontal line, it will arc--she should have been squashed by it since all she did was bend back which would have placed her in the path of the short-arcing log!  So a ventriloquist can manipulate a deer's mouth from afar--yeah, right ....  Those don't look like the Fire Beetles that I know are native to Central and South America.

WARRIOR, PG-13 ( 2 hr & 19 min )

Quickie Reveiw:  Two brothers, one a soldier  wrestling with a secret past and the other a high school physics teacher struggling with his mortgage payments, are both Mixed Martial Artists estranged from each other and from their recovering alcoholic father.  When the biggest "one-man-takes-all" purse in MMA tournament history is announced the brothers sign-up for the event, each with his own personal reason.  Old familial wounds come to surface as they fight each other physically, mentally and emotionally.

Prediction:  Nick Nolte is a heavyweight contender for an Oscar.

I liked it.  And the audience liked it.  And some gave it a "Hands Clapper" ending.

Here are the things that I didn't like about this movie:  The hypocrite Principal could have come-up with the excuse that the Teacher was mugged, and the Public School District Superintendent would have been none the wiser for it.  The last fight scene is supposedly a "Tear-Jerker".  But I didn't shed a tear over it simply because it was just a melodramatic Maudlin Scene "milked" for all that it was worth; in real life, the fight would have ended on a technicality!


After the movie, I went to the Men's Room to empty my overly-full bladder.  And I broke my long-standing Bladder-Emptying record of  5 minutes and Something seconds.  That personal record stood unchallenged for over 20 years.  But at 10:39:40 p.m. ( Sunday, September 25th, 2011 ), I did it for 00:07:35 before I had to squeeze my urethra because some guy came in to use one of the urinals.  And I wasn't even done because when I got home I still had "left-overs" for two more toilet breaks.  Quick! somebody go call the Guinness Book of  World Records!  Cine-Man is THE  Man!

DOLPHIN TALE, PG ( 1 hr & 52 min )

Quickie Review:  A young female dolphin gets badly entangled to a crab-trap.  She is rescued and taken to a marine animal hospital in Clearwater, Florida.  Unfortunately,  her tail could not be saved.  But with the patient care and dedication of a few kind souls pledged to help the poor dolphin through its life-threatening ordeal, the dolphin, named Winter, gets a second chance at life when she is fitted with a revolutionary new tail prosthesis.  Soon, she becomes the symbol of  hope and courage for people with disabilities and the symbol of  hope, as well,  for badly-maimed marine animals that would otherwise be euthanized.

I liked this movie.  The audience, too, liked this movie; so much so that people in the audience gave it a "Hands Clapper" ending.

This movie comes with Bonus Scenes at the End.

What I didn't like about this movie:   As much as a "Feel-Good" movie this one is, I was saddened to see that someone in the audience, a young girl, was in a wheelchair.  And the movie also shows people who are amputees, especially war veterans.  I really, truly felt sad for all of them.  I could only pray for them and ask God to watch over them and bless them.

If  you're able-bodied, thank God and count your blessings.

MONEYBALL, PG-13 ( 2 hr & 6 min )

Quickie Review:  Forced by budgetary constraints, the general manager of  the Oakland A's re-invents Baseball by using statistics to pick flawed players with game-winning potential that the other scouts passed-over.

I liked this movie.  And many in the audience liked this movie, too.  But, as much as it was enjoyed by many, nobody gave the movie a "Hands Clapper" ending.

I wished I knew more about Baseball--I don't follow the sport.  Since I'm really in no position to give this movie a good evaluation; and a friend of mine who's into Baseball is "house-sitting" somewhere out-of-town and I can't get a hold of  him.  Sorry.

'Sorry for the quickie review format, but I'm really way behind in my blog posts since I was on vacation for over two weeks.  Also, my old computer is really showing its age by slowing down and freezing on me whenever I try and spend more than half an hour blogging on it.   I'll go back to the usual format when I get the chance to get an external drive, a new memory chip and/or a new computer.  Thanks ....

ABDUCTION, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 46 min )

Quickie Review:  A teen learns that his parents are really not his parents.  Soon, he loses everything as the bad guys come to hunt him down.

It's a good enough action movie.  And the audience seemed to like it--'must be "Jacob" fans.  Hmmph!

Here are the things that I found wrong about this movie:  First, the title.  Abduction means to take away by force or to kidnap.  And ... neither one happened in this movie.  The title should have been:  POSTER BOY FOR "MISSING KID" ADS ON MILK CARTONS.  Secondly, the "pretennabe" parents in this movie seemed like they never did the "nasty" all those years when they had the chance to have, at least, another child by "natural means".  I mean, come on, surely they cannot be that  dedicated to their guardianship roles.  After all, the "mother" is one pretty-hot mama that I, myself,  certainly wouldn't mind doing the "nasty" with if  I'm to play the part of  "husband/father" to her "wife/mother" role if only to make our "cover" more believable--Heck, I'd insist on it!  And you can tell that to the Agency!   If  I had a son who had a visitor of the opposite sex in his bedroom, I'd insist that the door stay unlock and ajar--call me a prude because that's just the way I'd be.  At the CIA briefing, after the group leader said that the kid will be used as a "bargaining chip", a field agent asked, "How so?"  Duh!  And I thought that only the FBI can claim that they have "no intelligence".  Ha, ha, ha.  In the Amtrak train fight, when the bad guy took off his eyeglasses, that would have been a perfect time to get the sonofabitch's eyes gouged out--'remember what I just said about fights-to-the-death:  Fight Dirty!  Near the end, he turned to walk toward his girlfriend but he forgot to limp even though he just twisted his ankle!  Bad acting.

KILLER ELITE, R ( 1 hr & 40 )

Quickie Review:  A retired professional hit-man is forced-out of retirement when his mentor gets captured.  A failed rescue attempt makes the assassin  strike a hostage deal with an Arab oil sheik who wants revenge on the British SAS agents that killed his three sons.

I liked it enough since I'm usually a "sucker" for "Based on a True Story" type of movies.  And a man sitting in the row behind mine was obviously entertained by it.

Here are the things that I found wrong about it:  In the Mexican assassination, their get-away car didn't get any bullet holes at all--not even one!  Can you really book a spur-of-the-moment-flight that quickly?  I've said this before and I'll say it again: In a kill-or-be-killed unarmed combat there are no rules so fight "dirty" to end it quick because the first one to use a "dirty" move usually walks away alive.  Why didn't the bad guy in the subway retrieve his gun when he had the chance or, better yet,  why didn't he have a concealed back-up gun, considering the profession that he was in?    Before he threw the briefcase full of money down to the desert sand, he closed it.  But a later shot showed money strewn all over the sand.

DRIVE, R ( 1 hr & 40 min )

Quickie Review:  A Hollywood stunt-driver moonlights as a get-away driver for robbers and burglars.  But when he tries to do a good deed bad things start to happen.

For its  subject matter, this movie sure accelerates slower than my Geo Metro.  It's just an "okay" movie for me.

Here are the things that I found wrong about this movie:  Early on, a character says that the Chevy Impala is the most popular car in California.  I live in California and I simply cannot recall the last time that I saw a Chevy Impala.  In fact, everyday that I'm out on the road, I see Chevy Corvettes, Chevy Camaros, Ford Mustangs, Dodge Chargers, Acuras, Beemers, Buicks, Cadillacs, Volvos, Mercedes, Oldsmobiles, Porsches, Volkswagens, Saabs, Infinitis, Lexuses, Honda Accords, Honda Civics, Toyota Camrys, Subarus, Nissans, Hyundais, Geo Metros and Chevy Metros ( ahem ), etc.  BUT NO CHEVY IMPALAS!!!    I don't know how somebody in a Helicopter can tell whether or not a car down below it is an Impala.  Is it just me or do all Car-Centric movies made in Southern California show the California Aqueduct in at least one scene?  In the chase scene, his car was hit head-on by the other car but the airbags were not deployed.  That slash cut to the arm would only make him bleed to death if his vein was cut lenthwise.  The force of impact when the bad guy's car was "T-Boned" should have killed him instantly by way of Blunt Force Trauma, that or he could have been paralyzed from the waist down from that hit or when his car fell-off the embankment to the beach down below.  He knew what the bad guy was gonna do to him but he still had his back to him when he could have had the bad guy open-up the car trunk for him.  He could have taken some of that money instead of leaving the whole thing out in the parking lot where anybody and everybody could help him-/her-self to the loot.

SAVING PRIVATE PEREZ, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 45 min )

Quickie Review:  The most powerful bad guy in Mexico assembles a mercenary group to help him get his younger brother out of Iraq.

I liked this movie.  I was truly entertained by it.  And the garish polyester shirts from the disco 70s and 80s that the bad guys wore were quite a laugh riot--by today's standards.

The Ending Credits lists a crew member from Turkey whose last name is Bulbul.  I don't know what it means in your own language; but in my native Cebuano language, Bulbul means Pubic Hair!  Ha, ha, ha--Snort!

Here's what I didn't like about this movie:  Since this movie is not based on a true story, they could have made a better ending for it.  Because I liked the movie but the ending, to me, really sucked!

SHARK NIGHT 3-D, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 35 min )

Quickie Review:  A group of college friends decides to spend the weekend at a shark-infested lake.

This movie is not really that far-fetch.  Sharks have actually been seen in lakes and in rivers.  I even read about it as a boy back in the Philippines when I went through my mom's collection of  Reader's Digest magazines.  Yet another reason why I'm scared of sharks.

This movie has a Rap Music Video by the whole cast at the end of the Ending Credits.

Here's what I didn't like about this movie:  Among a group of friends, the first shark-attack victim is--you guessed it--the black guy!  And a latina girl is next, because Hollywood is an "equal opportunity" exploiter!  I guess that  they all picked straws and it so happened that the black guy and the latina girl got the short ones randomly!  Bullsh-t!  When's Hollywood gonna change ...?

One last thing ....  Sharks don't spit, they swallow!  If a shark ever bites your arm off, you ain't ever gonna  see it again.

==============================

By The Way: "Snuff Films" can be easily traced by the authorities back to their source.  'Remember the "Stomp Videos" ( another kind of "snuff film" ) that were on the Internet recently?  Well, some of them were traced back to their source in the Philippines!  If you ever see a "Snuff Film" or a "Stomp Video" on the Internet, report it to the authorities a.s.a.p.

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR, R ( 1 hr & 36 min )

Quickie Review:  The MidWest son of a pornstar couple goes to Hollywood to follow in his parents' footsteps.

This movie actually has some funny scenes that made me laugh.  This movie sure gives new meaning to the term, Under-Achiever.

Here's what I found wrong about this movie:  Although this movie is meant strictly for laughs, the scene with the "condom" was just too plain stupid and not worth the "celluloid" it was filmed on.

APOLLO 18, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 26 min )

Quickie Review:  NASA launches a secret manned mission to the moon with unexpected results.

I didn't like this highly-speculative, absurd, movie.

Here's what I didn't like about this movie:   This movie is basically a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY type of movie.  I guess you could call it PARA-LUNAR ABSURDITY.  Wherein very hungry "Moon Crabs" that highly-infest the lunar surface, and which have been waiting for food patiently for a gazillion years,  finally got the answer to their prayers when we unwittingly send them food. Hah!

COLOMBIANA, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 47 min )

where:  AMC STAR GRAND RAPIDS 18 in Grand Rapids, MI
when:  Thursday, September 8ht, 2011
show:  2:05 p.m.
costs:  $4.50 Ticket + $4.25 small Zero Coke = $8.75
auditorium:  10
seat:  6th row, 6th seat


synopsis/overview:  A little girl witnesses the execution of her parents and vows revenge on the mob boss responsible for her parents' deaths.  


noteworthy scenes:  1.) Microchip; 2.) The chase; 3.) Manhole; 4.) Embassy; 5.) "My passport"; 6.) Uncle Emilio ( Cliff Curtis ); 7.) "Whose room did I sleep in"; 8.) "I want to be a killer"; 9.) First lesson; 10.) Drunk driver; 11.) The jail; 12.) Calling card; 13.) Laundromat; 14.) "It's an orchid"; 15.) Trap; 16.) "File a formal request with the agency"; 17.) "We're not looking for a woman.  It's not possible"; 18.) Questions; 19.) "I shouldn't have done this"; 20.) Library; 21.) Picture; 22.) Trace; 23.) Church; 24.) Match Identification, 100%; 25.) "What picture"; 26.) Bombs; 27.) Garage; 28.) Executions; 29.) "This won't take long"; 30.) "Can't or won't"; 31.) Floor plans; 32.) "Expect the unexpected"; 33.) RPG ( rocket-propelled grenade ); 34.) It's Cataleya ( Zoe Saldana ); 35.) Eat; and 36.) Forty seconds.


favorite scene:  I liked the "drunk driver" scene.

audience reaction:  N/A.  I was the only one in the auditorium.

recommendation:  It's a good enough Action Movie--and Zoe Saldana is beautiful and sexy.  No other reasons are needed to go see this movie, for you guys out there who are Action Movie fans.

spoiler alert!  After the bad guy got his hand "nailed" to the table by the knife, he could still have pushed at the table to pin his attacker down.  That manhole cover was at least 250 pounds in weight.  There was no way that the little girl could have pushed the manhole cover off!  Children in this country are fingerprinted; and the government had young Cataleya's  name and fingerprints.   So, why were the FBI and the CIA unable to track her down early on?  There were a lot of witnesses at the street shooting yet nobody was able to give the cops a description of the shooter. She should have followed the RPG with another one seconds later while they were still dazed and confused.  In a fight-to-the-death, always fight a dirty fight and finish it quick--which the two combatants didn't do at all.  And shoot first, talk later!  The bad guy could have gotten out of the car before the command was given.  After all that had transpired, the FBI and/or the CIA still didn't give the boyfriend her real name, that he had to ask her for it ...?  Does that make sense to you at all?

fyi:  On my 15th birthday, a family friend gave me a 110-pound barbell set as a present.  I soon lifted weights without a spotter/trainer and without the benefit of training books and proper equipment.  This was way back when weightlifting was not yet a popular exercise form so that very little attention was paid to its proper lifting techniques.

One day a couple of months later, I finally felt strong enough to overhead press 100 pounds.  I lifted it up overhead, straining and shaking as I went along, and was able to press it all the way up--but I heard/felt a snap in my back:  I dislocated my lower back because of poor lifting technique and because I didn't wear a weightlifting belt ( Heck, I didn't even know back then that there was such a thing as a weightlifting  belt )!

The point that I'm making is that the little girl couldn't have moved the manhole cover all by her tiny self, especially while she was standing on a rung and holding onto another rung inside the manhole.

Zoe Saldana has the kind of figure that I drool all over.

word of advice:  "Beautiful but Deadly" is not without merit.

Revenge is sweet.

tidbits:  I left my sister's house at around 8:40 a.m. because the cleaning lady was scheduled to arrive at around that time.  I drove down 6 Mile Road, a country road, with an average speed of 50 miles per hour because there was no posted speed limit anywhere.  Some guy in a black SUV was obviously in a hurry because, soon enough, he was tail-gating me.  When I made a right turn on Alpine Avenue NW, he cut me off!  What an idiot!

I decided to have breakfast at IHOP ( International House of Pancakes ) but I changed my mind at the last minute.  So, I whiled the time away by going to ...

MacDonald's Restaurant

the MacDonald's Restaurant on Alpine Avenue NW ( across Alpine Avenue NW from IHOP ) to have a # 3 Breakfast Meal, ( Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit )  with a cup of Decaf.  I brought along my niece's Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Encyclopedia of the Bizarre, 2002, to finish reading it.  It's 308 pages long and, believe it or not, it has got many misspellings, multiple entries on some subjects, and grammatical errors!  Ha, ha, ha.  ( Like I'm qualified enough to judge .... )

Anyway ...

As I was drinking my Decaf, the cup reminded me that MacDonald's has a free Wi-Fi service!  Of course! how could I forget this.  Duh!  Next time I visit my sister here in Michigan, I will be sure to bring my laptop with me so I can keep current on my blog posts.

The strange thing about this restaurant's location is that it is in a ...

Sam's Club on Alpine Avenue NW in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Sam's Club parking lot which is directly across a side street from a ...

Super Wal-Mart across the street from Sam's Club on Alpine Avenue NW in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Super Wal-Mart!  I know that Wal-Mart specializes in "Cut-Throat" competition, but what I didn't know is that it doesn't mind slitting its own throat!

Oh, before I forget, it is worth mentioning that if you go to Michigan, or Indiana ( for that matter ), forget about looking for Toilet Seat Liners in the public restrooms 'cause you won't find any!  Bring your own toilet seat liners--and maybe a can of Lysol Disinfectant!  Ha, ha, ha.

The men's room at MacDonald's.  What's missing in this picture?  Yup, you guessed it: No toilet seat liners.

After having my breakfast at MacDonald's, I headed-on to the ...

on Alpine Avenue NW to buy a 20 oz. bottle of  Orange-flavored Powerade, a pair of socks and a pack of Hawaiian Punch Lemon-Berry Squeeze "singles-to-go" drink mix.

By the way, not only are there Dollar Tree stores in Michigan, there are also Dollar General and Family Dollar stores there, too.  In fact, there's a town where all three chain stores are all just a few blocks away from each other down a main street!

Then, I got back on Alpine Avenue NW to make a left on 4 Mile Road to go buy some stuff at a store.

This is Alpine Avenue NW near its intersection with 4 Mile Road.

This is 4 Mile Road near its intersection with Alpine Avenue NW.  The Plumb's shopping center is just up ahead on the right side.

Did you notice something strange about these two streets shown above?  They don't have pedestrian sidewalks!  A lot of the streets in Grand Rapids, MI, don't have sidewalks.  Maybe I should give Ripley's Believe It Or Not! a call.

I went to the Rite-Aid Drug Store on 4 Mile Road to buy a Hot Rod Magazine.  But they didn't  have it.  So, I walked next door to the Plumb's Grocery Store and bought it.

This is the left side entrance to Plumb's Grocery Store.  The park bench where I sat yesterday and where I sat today is just behind the shopping carts.

I bought this magazine at Plumb's and stood it up on the park bench to take this photo.  I personally know the owner of one of these featured hot-rods, which is why I bought a copy--he had ran-out of copies to give away.

While at Plumb's Grocery Store, I also bought a strawberry popsicle, a Faygo Strawberry soda and a Faygo Grape soda ( 20 oz. each ), and some bananas.  Then, I went out to the park bench to eat my popsicle and drink some soda while I read some of the articles in the Hot Rod Magazine.  After some time had passed, I called my sister's office to let her know that I won't be home until after 4 o'clock because I had to go somewhere.

I went to a shopping center ...

to eat first at ...

where I had the # 3 $2.00 Deal, a Gordita Supreme.  I haven't been to Taco Bell in a long time because they charged too much for their meals, in my opinion.  But now that they have their "$2.00 Deals" I think I will patronize Taco Bell once again.

Then, it was off to the movies for me.

As soon as I bought my movie ticket, I asked the ticket clerk where they displayed the skimpy dress that Cameron Diaz wore in the movie, THE MASK ( 1994 ), so that I could take a picture of it and post it on my blog.  Since I didn't take a picture of it last year when I was here with my niece and sister for the KARATE KID movie.  The clerk told me that someone broke the display case and stole it!  It was a replica dress, however, not the original one--which probably explained why the dress was on the Very Petite side in the first place ( Or maybe it was just accidentally left in the dryer for way too long.  Hmm .... ).

Behind this floor display was where the Cameron Diaz dress was kept in a glass display case.

This glass display case holds memorabilia from the JERRY MAGUIRE  ( 1996 ) movie.

And this glass display case holds memorabilia from the movie, TO DIE FOR ( 1995 ).

After the movie, I came upon two elderly couples standing in front of the movie poster for KILLER ELITE.  One little old lady said that she loves Jason Statham.  And one of the elderly gentlemen said that he was a "driver" in the TRANSPORTER movies.  But none of them could remember his name, somehow; even though it was listed on the movie poster, itself.  I didn't volunteer the information though because I didn't want to butt-in on their personal conversation.  And I truly felt sorry for the little old lady's date because he has got quite a competition in Jason Statham.  Of course, I say this without knowing what kind of females Jason is seriously into!

Special Announcement:  The next few movie reviews will be just brief summaries since I'm really way behind in my blog posts!