ALIENS IN THE ATTIC, PG ( 1 HR & 26 MIN )

1st time:

where: CENTURY 16 DOWNTOWN PLEASANT HILL in Pleasant Hill, CA

when: Friday, July 31st, 2009

show: 12:01 am

costs: $10.50 Ticket + $3.75 small Diet Coke + $4.00 junior Popcorn + $4.00 Bridge Toll = $22.25

auditorium: 4

seat: 4 row, 9th column

2nd time:

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA

when: Monday, August 3rd, 2009

show: 2:35 pm

costs: $7.25 Ticket + $3.75 small Diet/Zero ( with Barq's flavor--Cherry was out ) + $1.40 assorted bulk Chocolate Candies = $12.40

auditorium: 2

seat: 4th row, 6th column

When extra-terrestrial aliens come to conquer Earth, things get "Pearson-al!"

Mr. Stuart Pearson ( Kevin Nealon ) decides that it's time to spend some quality time with his children and extended family at their vacation home in Creek Landing, Michigan. As they start to settle in for the weekend, a four-alien advance exploration team lands on their rooftop. The children soon learn that these aliens want to dominate and enslave the whole human race with their mind control plugs, or exterminate us if , and whenever, mind control is not feasible. As the intruders search for an embedded domination machine secretly planted by an earlier scout team, a battle ensues between the kids and the knee-high "unwelcome "guests."

noteworthy scenes: 1.) The on-line report card; 2.) The "perks of divorce;" 3.) The paintball assault; 4.) The lecture; 5.) The talk between young Tom ( Carter Jenkins ) and Ricky ( Robert Hoffman ), the boyfriend of Bethany ( Ashley Tisdale ); 5.) The rooftop close encounter of the dreaded kind; 6.) The rotary phone; 7.) The anti-gravity bomb; 8.) Fighting over the remote control for the "Ultimate Game Boy" Ricky; 9.) The "adult diapers;" 10.) The techno-geek alien, Sparks, in the little girl's room; 11.) Bethany and the mind-controlled Ricky; 12.) The Sheriff ( Tim Meadows ) responding to the 911 call; 13.) Ricky vs. Nana ( Doris Roberts ); 14.) The IEBs ( Improvised Explosive Beverages ); 15.) The beacons; 16.) The giant fight; and 17.) "Funky Ricky."

audience reaction: There was only I and an Hispanic family in the auditorium. I laughed at the funny scenes, but they didn't.

2nd audience reaction: The audience this time was comprised of native-speaking families, so it was a better representation. This time around, I was not the only one laughing.

recommendation: This is a so-so kid-friendly movie. See this only if your kids beg of you.

spoiler alert! The remote-controlled fight between Ricky and Nana are of the cheap video game variety. There is no way that a big-headed knee-high alien in battle dress uniform--or even butt-naked--can snake itself through a house's toilet plumbing. Granted that the tiny aliens probably came equipped with a fast-digging machine, where did all that soil go? I don't know why the adults were completely oblivious to the giant fight taking place on the other side of the house. None of the adults noticed the big UFOs hovering above the house. Who re-implanted Ricky since the original implanting gun was not shrunk back to original size? I don't think that there is such a place in Michigan as Creek Landing--I couldn't find it on Google--maybe my sister in Michigan knows for sure. Bethany's "rug" doesn't match her "curtains" ( meaning, she's not a natural blonde )!

fyi: Go to Google and type-in: UFO sightings in Michigan. They have lots of sightings there! My niece saw one with her own eyes a couple of years ago on her way to school with her mom, my eldest sister.

I saw one earlier this year on my way home from a surprise birthday party for my Aunt Viola in Fremont, CA. It was after 10 pm on February 28ht. I was on Highway 880 N on my way home to Vallejo. About one to two miles before I got to the Oakland Coliseum, this light-grey football-shaped object flew across the sky in a straight line. It had no lights on. And it was directly in my line of sight for two seconds maximum. By the time I finished blurting, What the Hell is that ...? it was already gone! This would make it my 7th UFO sighting in the last four years.

My best friend, his wife, his brother and his son's girlfriend's mother all saw UFOs, as well. Yep, they're out there ....

2nd fyi: I decided to see it for the second time just to gauge the reaction of a better representative set of audience. And ... I pigged-out on soup and salads at FRESH CHOICE in Fairfield and needed to sit down for a while to digest my food before I had to head for home.

word of advice: Stay 'til after the ending credits roll up because that's where they put in the out-takes.

tidbits: Yesterday afternoon at around 4:00 pm, after I picked up my check at work, I swung by the Chevron Gas Station on Military West here in Benicia. As I was paying for gas, I noticed that I had left my wallet at home, the one with my current driver's license. I told the clerk, John R., about it. He told me to be careful driving around town because there are new cops patrolling who are just eager to fill their quotas. I've never been ticketed before, I laughed, as I knocked on the counter.

On my way to Pleasant Hill for the midnight show, I found out that Cal-Trans had blocked off the interchange so I had to go up the overpass the get on 680 N then find a detour because I didn't want to have to go to Fairfield with all that re-paving going on there. I looked at my watched to check the time ( it was 11:34 pm ). When I did so, I veered off-course on the curved overpass. Just as I signaled to merge with the northbound traffic, red, white and blue lights flashed in my rear-view mirror. That car behind me all along this time was a Benicia Police Cruiser! I pulled over. The police officer told me that he pulled me over because I was drifting in my lane and thought that I was drunk. I told him that I don't drink ( I just drive like I do ) and was just disoriented because of the detour as I was on my way to Pleasant Hill. He told me where to take a detour and added that I won't have to detour on my way back home. He was very nice and kind enough not to give me a ticket. I got lucky that time--knock on wood!

I should have given him some of my Cine-Man business cards. And I forgot to tell him to say, "Hi!" to the Police Chief, who happens to be a "hottie." I showed Mike A., a co-worker of mine in Oakland, a newspaper picture of the new Benicia Police Chief. He remarked that she looks like Mary Ann of "Gilligan's Island." I told him that it was fine by me because I preferred Mary Ann over Ginger, anyway.

I am not a drinker. If I go to a party and be designated as the driver, my passengers will really be much better off staying drunk as I drive!

Back in late October of 2005, as my eldest sister was driving me to the Grand Rapids, MI Airport for my return flight to Oakland, CA, she told me that I should get a computer because there are lots of stuff that you can find on the Internet. " You can find anything by just going on Google," she said. And I said, Well, if they really want to find him then, all they have to do is Google Osama Bin Laden. I bet Osama is hiding somewhere in Creek Landing, MI!

Can you believe that Osama, if he's still alive, is hooked-up to a kidney dialysis machine? Why don't our troops just go searching for the longest extension cord in the mountainous border between Afghanistan  and Pakistan 'cause it's probably the one Osama is currently using? If and when they do find it, they should just cut it and be done with it! Then call it a day--Party Time!

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE I-MAX 3D, PG ( 2 hr & 33 min )

where: EDWARDS FAIRFIELD STADIUM 16 in Fairfield, CA

when: Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

show: 10:20 pm I-Max 3D

costs: $15.50 Ticket + $4.50 small Diet/Zero Coke + $1.00 medium upgrade on a free small Popcorn = $21.00

auditorium: 12

seat: 5th row, 6 column

recommendation: Don't go see this movie in I-Max 3D.

spoiler alert! The special visual effect is only for the CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS preview and the first 12 minutes of the movie itself! What a rip-!

fyi: The first movie that I saw in I-Max 3D was at this cinema earlier this year for a showing of MONSTERS VS. ALIENS.

The guy at the box office told me that there was an additional 20 - 25 minutes added to the movie in the first half--lie! (Or misinformed, whatever the case may be.)

The only wonderful sight to behold in this 12 minute duration is that of Elarica Gallagher, who plays the part of the Cafe waitress at the Surbiton Railway Station, arguably the best looking girl in this movie--quite a triumph for us all "Muggle-Born."

word of advice: Keep your money in your pocket on this one unless you got the "hots" for Elarica!

tidbits: On the way to the cinema, the freeway bottlenecked less than a mile from the Green Valley off-ramp because the two left lanes were closed for re-paving and the slow lane was closed because of an accident. A fire truck and at least four police cars were parked along the shoulder.

On the way home, I swung by the Fairfield Food-Max to buy some eggs, yogurt, trail mix, and bananas. When I went to the East Texas on-ramp, I found out that it was closed for re-paving work. I drove across the intersection, made a u-turn in a residential section and made a left to drive on the frontage road leading me back to Travis Boulevard. The on-ramp there was closed as well, to my utter vexation. I only had two on-ramps left to try or be trapped in Fairfield for the night! And I was not about to sleep in my car or stay-in at a motel just because some Cal-Trans idiot decided to barricade the whole city of Fairfield for the freeway re-paving work. Luckily for me, I was wrong: The Waterman Boulevard on-ramp was open. I'm not coming back here tonight for the midnight showing of FUNNY PEOPLE.

Going back to the late night showing of MONSTERS VS. ALIENS .... After the movie, I went to use the men's room. So, I was there in a toilet stall, emptying my bladder and pretty much minding my own business. There were two white teenagers in that room with me: One had just gotten in to use a urinal, I'll call him simply as, "A;" and another one was on his way out, "B."

"Hey, wait up," said A. "I need to talk to you."

"I gotta go," said B with urgency.

"I need to talk to you--I thought you were my friend," said A. "Hey, wait for me!"

"I can't," said B as he was about to exit.

"Hey," said A hurriedly as he followed B out of the men's room. "You f-ck my mom!"

"She wanted it," answered B rather lamely.

"You're supposed to be my friend," A said as he chased after B.

Sweet! She must be one hot MILF! I'd love to know who she is ( who knows, I might get lucky, too ). It was at that moment that I realized my "Calling": I have to start my own movie review blog site and format it to be different from all the rest to accomodate the rare precious gems, such as this, that no other movie reviewer would dare to touch! I sincerely owe those two kids a debt of gratitude, which is why I'm immortalizing them on this particular blog post. B, if you're reading this, ask MILF if she'd be game for some menage a trois fun ( I won't tell A if you won't, I promise ).

By the way, to all of you Filipinos out there, MILF does not stand for Muslim Independence Liberation Front, a rebel group situated mainly in Cotabato, Philippines. Nope, it means: Mom I'd Likely F-ck. No wonder those Muslims in Cotabato hate us Americans, we make fun of their acronym! ( Psst! don't tell those rebels that I'm related to them. If you must know, yeah, they're distant relatives of mine--a few thousand miles distance, give or take a few. )

And speaking of acronym, F-CK originated in England, if I'm not mistaken, Racquel B., a co-worker of mine in Benicia, informed me. Being that the kings were the purported descendants of Christ and/or His Apostles, they had the "power" to grant certain "indulgences." One such indulgence was an acronymed ( for discretion ) royal note to be posted on one's door, "Fornicating Under Consent of King," whenever one had the need to express such an act of immorality. I wonder if such notes were printed in big, bold Scarlet Letters, hmm .... And I guess all the virgins in the kingdom were "stamped" with the royal "Seal of Approval," too!

Is S-CK, then, an acronym for sodomizing ...? 'Sorry for being such a "Deviate's" Advocate.

( 500 ) DAYS OF SUMMER, PG-13 ( 1 hr & 35 min )

where: CINE ARTS @ PLEASANT HILL in Pleasant Hill, CA

when: Sunday, July 26th, 2009

show: 5:50 pm

costs: $10.00 Ticket + $4.25 medium Diet/Zero Coke + $1.39 CVS Fruit and Nut Mix + $4.00 Bridge Toll = $19.64

auditorium: 5

seat: 4th row, 14th column

A "Mr. Right" who's searching for the right girl finds a girl who's looking for a "Mr. Right Now."

Tom ( Joseph Gordon-Levitt ), an hopeless romantic stuck in a rut at work in a Greeting Cards company in L. A., falls for the new-hire secretary from Michigan, Summer ( Zooey Deschanel ). After the failed romance, a blind date with Alison ( Rachel Boston ) puts him in the proper perspective: He was blinded by his "ideal love" that he missed Summer's true intention of just keeping him as a "F-ck Buddy," to put it crudely. So, we see Tom and Summer in a series of "Black and White," Split-Screens and ping-ponging Flash Backs/Forwards as he tries to figure out what went wrong in their relationship. In the end, he goes for his first true passion as another new possibility opens up for him.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) The disclaimer notice; 2.) The break-up at the diner; 3.) The "Summer Effect;" 4.) The office party; 5.) Tom's talk with his friends, Paul ( Matthew Gray Gubler ) and McKenzie ( Geoffrey Arend ); 6.) The Karaoke Bar; 7.) The taxi for McKenzie; 8.) At the copy machines; 9.) Shopping at IKEA; 10.) Tom's after-sex "glow;" 11.) McKenzie quoting Henry Miller; 12.) The favorite park bench; 13.) Talk with his little sister, Rachel ( Chloe Moretz ); 14.) Really obnoxious guy at the bar; 15.) The ex-boyfriends talk; 16.) The "Penis" shout; 17.) The art gallery; 18.) The "French movie;" 19.) The talk with the boss, Mr. Vance ( Clark Gregg ); 20.) The bus ride; 21.) The Blind Date with Alison; 22.) Train ride to the wedding; 23.) "Expectations/Realities;" 24.) Leaving the party; 25.) Buying stuff at the convenience store; 26.) The company meeting about "The Winter Collection;" 27.) Just remembering the "good stuff;" 28.) Watching Dustin Hoffman's 1967 movie, THE GRADUATE; 29.) Back at the favorite park bench; and 30.) Interviewing for a job.

audience reaction: They were entertained by this Rom/Com movie.

recommendation: If you don't get bothered reminiscing about relationship break-ups, then this movie might be entertaining for you to watch.

spoiler alert! The scene at the Karaoke Bar with McKenzie singing did not make sense. It should not have been included ( see the movie to know what I mean )!

Autumn ( Minka Kelly ) should have been named, Spring.

fyi: According to McKenzie, Henry Miller said, "The best way to get a girl out of your mind is to turn her into literature."

I know this girl who fitted the profile of my "ideal love." I tried, for nine long years, to try to win her heart. Within that time, there were about five other girls who came along that were interested in me, but I never asked anyone of them out on a date because I didn't want the girl of my dreams to think that I'm just a philanderer, like my father was. I purposely--foolishly, in retrospect--held my life back for her because I wanted her to think that she was my muse, the source of all my inspirations and the reason for my future successes. Even though we had many things in common, we were from different backgrounds. So, she kept her distance from me. When I realized that it was a lost cause, I tried to get her out of my mind. It was hard for me to forget her because "M ... ( her affiliation ) reminders"-- this movie calls such things, "Coincidences"-- would come along every now and then to figuratively grab me by the back of my head and forcefully squash my face into a big, stinking pile of painful memories! Because of such reminders, I figured that I still had a chance. But I was wrong. The day that I found out that she was getting married really broke my heart.

Nowadays, on rare occasions, I would see her on the freeway during my work commute. She would try to get my attention. But I would just ignore her because the way that I see it, there is neither a place for her in my present nor in my future. I met her in my past, that's where she rightfully belongs. She should just stay in that part of me where she is most welcomed!

Although I cannot reveal her name or initials here, suffice it to say that she bears a striking resemblance to an Hollywood actress who was featured in four movies, at least, within the last two years. I don't want to flatter her further and add anymore to her conceit.

Yes, I ( like Tom ) was an "Hopeless Romantic" because I was in love with Romance but when it came to finding the right girl I was Hopeless!

word of advice: Be careful about having an office romance because if it goes sour, it could have a negative impact on you ( and those around you ) at work--not to mention, you could get slapped with "sexual harassment and/or stalking" charges.

If your friends set you up on a "Blind Date," first make sure that your friends are not the Practical Joker types! I've been there, so I know.

tidbits: After the movie, I went to the Dollar Tree Store next door to buy more contraband snacks to smuggle-in on future movie trips. You can tell that the economy is really bad if even dollar ( or 99-cent ) stores are cutting back on hired help! There was a long line and there was only one employee at work, the cashier. I could have walked out of there with a bunch of stuff without paying for any of it! That's how bad it was. Unfortunately for me, I was not conditioned to be a Shop-Lifter.

As I watched the ending credits roll up, I saw Patrick Swayze's name listed. I didn't know that he wrote and sang the song, She's Like The Wind, a song that is perfect for this movie. My prayers go to him and his family.

ORPHAN, R ( 2 hr & 3 min )

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA

when: Saturday, July 25th, 2009

show: 1:15 pm ( extra dollar discount Morning Matinee )

costs: $6.00 Ticket + $4.25 medium Diet/Zero ( with Barq's & Cherry flavors ) Coke + $2.92 bulk Chocolate Candy ( assorted ) = $13.17

auditorium: 14

seat: 3rd row, 8th column

Grieving parents Kate ( Vera Farmiga ) and John ( Peter Sarsgaard ) decide to adopt a child to fill the void. At the orphanage, they bond with the very polite, artistically gifted and charming nine-year old Esther ( Isabelle Fuhrman ) who has a quaint penchant for old-fashioned dresses. Soon after they take her home to be a part of the family, things start to happen--and not necessarily for the better--as the plot really gets a twist near the end.

prediction: I have a feeling that Isabelle Fuhrman may get nominated for Best Supporting Actress. If Linda Blair ( of THE EXORCIST fame ) could win an Oscar, it's possible that Isabelle could, too, for her convincing performance in this movie.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Delivery room; 2.) Tucking-in daughter, Max ( Aryana Engineer ); 3.) Talk with husband about adopting; 4.) In the Art Room with Esther; 5.) The Welcome Party; 6.) Daniel ( Jimmy Bennett ) in the tree house with his friends; 7.) Dressing for the first day of school; 8.) Paint-ball target shooting; 9.) The school hallway; 10.) Esther's painting; 11.) The Rose Bush; 12.) The couple in the kitchen; 13.) The public playground; 14.) At the dinner table; 15.) The grocery store; 16.) The "Tchaikovsky Solo;" 17.) The couple's fight; 18.) The gun; 19.) Sister Abigail ( CCH Pounder ) driving back to the orphanage; 20.) Esther in Daniel's bedroom; 21.) The bouquet; 22.) The vise clamp; 23.) The SUV rolling backwards; 24.) Max's crayon drawings; 25.) Calling the Saarne Institute; 26.) In the tree house with Esther; 27.) The hospital; 28.) Alone with daddy; 29.) Call from Russian Doctor; 30.) Esther's bedroom; 31.) Going back home; and 32.) The pond.

audience reaction: The audience liked this movie a lot!

recommendation: This is not your typical "scary movie." It has no fancy SFX. It's an every-parent's-worst-nightmare-come-true type of movie but with comedy thrown-in for good measure! Go see this movie.

spoiler alert! You can't expect me to believe that Daniel and his friends can only come up with a Perfect 10 copy because, by today's standards, this magazine is lame. Max walking bare-footed on ice is unconvincingly acted--why they didn't incorporate a pair of booties into this scene when they wrote the script is beyond me. ( Yet another reason why Hollywood should hire me. ) You can't stay submerged in ice-water for long. My eldest sister, my brother and I were in Fort Bragg, CA years ago, swimming at the beach in about 45 - 50 degrees Fahrenheit temperature water--I couldn't even swim under water for more that five seconds because my body urgently wanted to conserve its heat; and the cold water made my old joint injuries come-a-calling-back just to say, "Hi, remember us?" So, it is hard for me to believe that they can go under ICE water for longer than five seconds. And I would love to point out the things that were wrong with Esther's medical condition, but that would just give the plot-twist away.

fyi: The scene wherein Esther's plaster-casted arm is shown brought to mind my youthful fascination with beautiful girls who had hairy forearms in a kinda-like "semi-simian" sort of way. I don't know ... they just looked attractive to me that way. But now it's: "If you dare wear short ( shirts ), Nair for short ( shirts ) ...."

word of advice: "Hell hath no Fury than a ( sexually unfulfilled ) Woman Scorned!"

tidbits: The title of this movie should be, FROM RUSSIA WITH BLOOD!

Esther and Tom Riddle ( Lord Voldemort ) would make for a perfect couple.

Illegal adoption is bad, in more ways than one.

I will have to remind myself to put on ear plugs next time that I go see a scary/horror movie!

Finally, regarding that trip to Fort Bragg in Mendocino County, CA .... On the way there, the radio on my sister's yellow Honda Civic started to play the John Denver song, Sunshine On My Shoulder. I started singing along with it but was abruptly shushed by my sister. Maybe this had something to do with me convincing her to jump into the water to join me and our brother. Boy! she was out of there before she could finish yelling at the top of her lungs because of the bitter coldness. Ha, ha, ha--oops! Uh-oh ... I think that she just read this! ( We were "Polar Bear Club" flunkies, all three of us, yup. )

G-FORCE, in 3-D; PG ( 1 hr & 30 min )

1st time

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA

when: Friday, July 24th, 2009

show: 2:00 pm in Disney Digital 3-D

costs: $10.25 Ticket + $4.50 "Power-C" Vitamin Water = $14.75

auditorium: 8

seat: 3rd row, 12th column

2nd time

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA

when: Monday, July 27th, 2009

show: 10:40 pm

costs: $9.50 Ticket + $4.25 Diet/Zero ( with Barq's & Cherry flavors ) Coke + $1.00 Banana Chips ( smuggled-in ) + $0.20 Pretzel Sticks & Cheddar Dip Snack ( also, smuggled-in ) = $14.95

auditorium: 1

seat: 4th row, 7th column

A clandestine FBI program has trained a group of guinea pigs to do espionage work for the government. On their initial and unauthorized outing at Saber's ( Bill Nighy ) place, they uncover the ambitious industrialist's grand plan to conquer the whole world. But they have no idea that someone is maliciously tampering with their evidence. As a result, their program is shut down. To clear their reputation, they go undercover to locate the crucial evidence before time runs out for them and the whole of humanity!

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Infiltrating by way of a car's wheel; 2.) Coat room; 3.) Back at the Hide-Out with FBI agents; 4.) "Stealth hamsters;" 5.) The pet shop; 6.) Playing "dress-up" with Juarez, the female guinea pig; 7.) The cockroaches; 8.) The birthmark; 9.) The garden sprinkler and the spare tire; 10.) The brat kids' home; 11.) The cappuccino maker; 12.) Ben's ( Zach Galifianakis ) confession; 13.) The chase; 14.) The fireworks show; 15.) The microwave; 16.) The evil bad guy revealed; 17.) Badges; and 18.) The party.

audience reaction: The audience, especially the kids, enjoyed this movie.

recommendation: If you love cute little fur balls, go see this movie.

spoiler alert! This movie has too many U.S. "pop culture" references that do nothing but distract non-Americans from truly enjoying the movie. This movie could have easily done without such "self-centered" references. Hollywood should hire me as a script editor so that I can teach its idiots a thing or two about "universal appeal."

A fly can't keep up a chase with three SUVs going in three different directions. An R/C car's steering wheel doesn't come off that easily. No guinea pig is heavy enough to bounce off a mini-trampoline, especially from such an height. The rechargeable screwdriver that the guinea pigs used doesn't really have enough torque to unscrew air vent grills with in real life. Hurley's piece of cake should have resembled a crumb more than a mini slice because he just grabbed and broke off a chunk. And what the Hell are the Decepticons doing in this movie?!?!?! ( Some one's getting sued! )

2nd spoiler alert! The cat, in real life, would have pounced on Hurley.

fyi: Back when my family was living in an apartment, I wanted so much to have some of my own guinea pigs. So my parents got a couple for me. Every day, I would go across the street to the vacant lot to get some grass to feed the guinea pigs with. Every day, that is, until I got fed-up with the daily routine. So, my parents decided to let the guinea pigs go. They set them free in the vacant lot across the apartment building, a vacant lot that was inhabited by snakes and monitor lizards. Gee, that was way so smart of my parents to do! They could have given them away to some other kids, instead.

Later on, my family moved to a sub-division at about the same time that my voracious appetite for food grew. One day, as soon as I finished eating lunch, I excused myself to go use the toilet a.s.a.p. When I got done answering "nature's call," I walked out of there with my dad waiting for me in the living room with this comment, "You know, you're like a guinea pig 'cause all you do is eat and sh-t!"

2nd fyi: I swung by Food For Less first to buy the contraband snacks because I still had about 45 minutes before the start of the movie.

word of advice: If you have a really hairy butt, don't play "Lighting Farts!"

If your kid wants a pet, make sure he/she is mature and responsible enough to care for one on a daily basis. Maybe you can start him/her off with a Tamagochi Virtual Pet. If your child can keep such a virtual pet "alive" longer than your digital watch can run on its battery then, perhaps, he/she can have a living, breathing pet to call his/her own.

tidbits: The female guinea pig, Juarez, looks like she got surgically plumped-up lips. What's next on the list, a "boobs" job ( she's got more than a pair )? Hollywood's vanity has no boundaries at all!

A couple of days before seeing this movie, I went to its web-site. As I watched all the selections, a segment from the Flo Rida Feat song, Jump ( 2009 ), kept playing over and over on an endless loop. The song got stuck in my head! So much so that before I left the house to go see this movie and THE UGLY TRUTH, I had to delay my trip because I couldn't finish reciting my prayer on a timely basis ( which is 10 minutes ) because the Jump song kept cutting-in the middle of my prayer! Opps! there goes that damn song again. Now, if you'll excuse me ....

THE UGLY TRUTH, R ( 1 hr & 35 )

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA

when: Friday, July 24th, 2009

show: 12:00 pm ( extra dollar discount Morning Matinee )

costs: $6.00 Ticket + $4.25 medium Diet/Zero ( with Barq's & Cherry flavors ) Coke + $1.39 CVS Mediterranean Trail Mix = $11.64

auditorium: 7

seat: 4th row, 9th column

A female control freak clashes with a male chauvinist slob.

A TV morning show producer, Abbey Richter ( Katherine Heigl ), who's still looking for "Mr. Right," is desperate for a ratings boost. So, she reluctantly forces herself into a partnership with Mike Chadway ( Gerard Butler ), a highly-opinionated man's-Man in matters of the heart , maintaining a "vulgar civility" ( Did I just invent an oxymoron? ) for ratings' sake. In the course of events, Mike makes a deal with Abbey: He'll help her land "Mr. Right" right away or he'll quit the show. Abbey is just too happy to agree to it.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) The reference to "Volkswagens;" 2.) Low-down on a blind-date; 3.) Mike's public-access TV show; 4.) Mike's first day on the job at the TV station; 5.) Ratings report; 6.) The uncle & nephew talk; 7.) Rescued from a tree; 8.) Coached phone conversation with Dr. Colin ( Eric Winter ); 9.) "Rules of the Game;" 10.) At the women's boutique; 11.) The baseball game; 12.) The "Goodnight;" 13.) The meeting with network executives at a restaurant; 14.) SF Saloon & Grille; 15.) The Craig Ferguson Show; 16.) The elevator; 17.) The hotel room; 18.) The new set; 19.) The Hot-Air Balloon festival.

audience reaction: The audience was really entertained by this Rom/Com movie.

recommendation: I enjoyed it--I might even go see it again just to take more extensive notes. Go see it.

spoiler alert! Katherine Heigl is 5'9" but the scene with her 5'8 1/2" blind date makes her look like Hagrid's little sister.

Vibrating panties are not slipped-on like a regular pair of panties but, rather, ( ahem! ) they are "slipped-in," to put it euphemistically. Every horndog knows this fact! Why won't Hollywood make me a scene editor and save them from unnecessary embarrassment and ridicule?

fyi: This movie opened to coincide with the three-day weekend Hot-Air Balloon Festival at Solberg Airport in Readington, New Jersey.

The women's boutique scene with the dress reminded me of a joke my eldest sister shared with me years ago about the diminishing trend of women's skirts:

Pointing at her ankles: "Maxi."

Pointing at just below her knees: "Midi."

Pointing at just above her knees: "Mini."

Pointing at her crotch: "Ma'o na kini!" ( Pronounced: Maa-oo naa key-knee, which is Cebuano for "This is it." )

word of advice: Guys, when you go see this movie, take lots of notes 'cause good ol' Mike has lots of stuff to teach you!

tidbits: Speaking of pretty girls who are foul-mouthed, I remember at one time having the "hots" for this beautiful mulatta co-worker. One day, I found myself in a room with her and another co-worker, a pretty Hispanic girl. The Hispanic girl, envious of the attention that I was lavishing on the mulatta, walked up to the two of us and loudly said to me in my left ear, three times, "F-ck me!" "Ay! muy caliente, chiquita." I didn't take her up on her command right there and then, of course, but I nervously laughed, instead. The mulatta girl avoided me soon after that.

The Hispanic girl did eventually give me her nice, warm, soft and hairy pussy--NO! you perverts--a kitten. K-I-T-T-E-N. Her boyfriend went "mushroom hunting" one day and happened by a marsh at a golf course where a soaking-wet kitten was abandoned. They couldn't keep it at their apartment so I took it from them.

And, being that it was found in a marsh, I named it, Marshall. Who grew up to be one funny, curious and hyper --"strictly-indoors"-- Blotched Tabby. But this is a story perhaps best told at another time and on another blog post.

Sometimes, these days, a comedy film will have an extra scene right after the trailing credits are shown. This one's extra scene was probably edited out. So, allow me, Cine-Man, to recreate that scene here for your enjoyment:

INT: Hotel "Honeymoon Suite," nightime.

Groom: Honey, before we go on, I'd like you to put on my pants.

Bride: What?

Groom: Just do it.

Bride: But I can't wear your pants because they're too big and loose.

Groom: That's because only the man wears The Pants around the house, just so you know.

Bride: Well, then ... humor me and put on my panties.

Groom: ( trying hard ) It's impossible! I can't get into your panties!

Bride: And that's the way it's gonna be If You Don't Change Your Attitude, Mister!

The Lesson for today is this: Women change soon after they get married. And that, my dear readers, is "The Ugly Truth!"

BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE, R ( 1 hr & 29 )

where: LANDMARK'S SHATTUCK CINEMAS in Berkeley, CA

when: Monday, July 20th, 2009

show: 9:50 pm

costs: $10.00 Ticket + $5.75 medium Popcorn + $4.00 small Diet Coke + $4.00 Bridge Toll = $23.75

auditorium: 4

seat: 4th row, 6th column

Saya ( Gianna Yun ) is a half-vampire/half-human 400-year old virgin--perpetually youthful-looking-- assassin on a secret mission for the "Council" to rid the world of vampires and demons, using a samurai sword which she inherited from her human father, a sword that is both a blessing and a curse to her. Her passionate lust for blood ( i.e. her quest for revenge ) becomes an issue of concern for the "Council" as her "slice-and-dice" supernatural forays gather momentum and she slowly turns into an unstoppable force in Japan during the Vietnam War era.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) The school gym at Yokota USAF Base in Japan; 2.) Alice McKee ( Allison Miller ) at the night club; 3.) The street fight against vampires and demons; 4.) Chasing a demon back to base; 5.) The hotel hallway; 6.) Old man Kato Takatora ( Yasuaki Kurata ) doing some SERIOUS vampire ninja butt-kicking--a Mr. Miyagi of THE KARATE KID, he ain't; 7.) The truck fight; and 8.) One-on-one with Onigen ( Koyuki ), her arch-enemy.

audience reaction: There were only a handful in the audience so it was hard to gauge their reaction.

recommendation: This is strictly for die-hard "Chop-Socky" and "Slice-and-Dice" fans who drool all over beautiful and exotic Oriental "death-dealing" sexy "knock-outs."

spoiler alert! Too much unrealistically CGI-rendered VISCOUS blood that would make even a vampire wanna gag and puke! The dialogue was, at times, laughable. The acting by some cast members was mediocre at best, or maybe it was the director's fault. What happened when the truck fell down a ravine was just way unbelievable. And how an "American" interrogator mispronounced the word, "ravine," is unforgivable ( where do they get these actors? Is this guy related to Tara Reid? [ See 2005's ALONE IN THE DARK to know what I mean ] ).

These vampires don't drink blood "on tap." They like drinking it from a bottle. WTF?!

Last but certainly not least, Saya wears shorts under her skirt. Darn it! Girl, make up your mind. Either wear a skirt or wear a pair of shorts--you can't wear both ( horndogs strongly disapprove of it, take my word ).

fyi: The last time that I was at this cineplex was in Autumn of last year for a showing of JCVD, a spoof on Jean Claude Van Damme by Jean Claude Van Damme, himself. Surprisingly, it probably is the best "Muscles from Brussels" movie ever made--and it's not even an Action movie! Go figure ....

Back then, they were in the process of remodeling each auditorium: They were putting in new seats. Tonight, I finally see the result of all that work--and I love it! The seats are very nice, classy and comfortable. I had better put this cineplex on my checklist for "limited-run" films from now on if only for the fancy auditorium seats. Check out this place for yourself if you have not been here recently, or have never been here before. Because I'm talking good quality faux leather upholstered seats on hardwood frame here. Sweet .... But, if you chew gum, this place is not for you! So, start showing some class. And as for you, Berkeley students, don't even think about writing or carving your name or initials on an armrest, show the rest of the world that you are such good F.U.C.Ks ( Famously Upstanding College Kids )!

And the owners of this place just applied for a Zoning Adjustment so that they can serve Food and Alcohol in two of the auditoriums. We're talking Food, Wine and Movie all rolled into one. Nice .... So long as they don't let alcoholics patronize the place, I'm okay with it.

Did you know that in China and Japan at one time, the European-Americans where considered "White Demons" because of their "round" eyes? Look at their artwork and see that their demons are depicted with big, round eyes. I bring up this trivia because a scene in the movie has "Americans" turn into demons. The nerve of such Oculophobes--Hey! I think that I just invented a word. And you saw it here first. Thank you, thank you, thank you ....

Don't forget to mark your calendar, folks. The last Sunday of September of each year is when they have a parade in Berkeley starting at around 11:00 a.m. on University Avenue and turning right on Shattuck Avenue for a short distance before ending at a local park. It's always a wacky parade and, weather permitting, they have nudists parading down the street, too! The cops don't seem to mind this public nudity, even with kids present to witness the whole spectacle. Au naturel is a natural thing to do in Berkeley, I guess. Get your zoom lens-equipped cameras ready! See you ( literally perhaps ) at the parade. I think that I'll call-in sick that day--don't tell my boss! Shhh ....

word of advice: If you want a beautiful, hot and sexy girlfriend, find yourself one who can do some serious butt-kicking so you won't have to defend her honor 'cause she can do it all herself!

Just bear in mind that when such a girl says, "No!" she means it, but when you say, "no ..." she wants "Yes!"

tidbits: When I went up to the concession stand, I asked for the prices since none was listed. The girl told me that it is on the counter before me. The patrons order using a "menu," a concessions menu, but a menu nonetheless! Half-laughing, I told her that I felt like I was at a restaurant. Unfortunately, for all the "fancy-shmancy" stuff, the popcorn still turned out somewhat stale. I'd better smuggle-in some snack next time.

When I stepped out onto the sidewalk on my way to my car just parked around the corner, I happened by an homeless man sleeping in a doorway. I don't think that I've ever seen that before in downtown Berkeley late at night.

Would you believe that the Japanese have a big fetish for cute girls in schoolgirl uniforms? I've said it before and I'll say it again for the record: The Japanese and the Germans are two of the most kinkiest peoples on Earth; it makes me feel almost sorry for them that they lost the war!

THE HURT LOCKER, R ( 2 hr & 11 min )

where: CINE ARTS @ PLEASANT HILL in Pleasant Hill, CA

when: Saturday, July 18th, 2009

show: 10:25 pm

costs: $10.00 Ticket + $4.00 junior Popcorn + $3.50 Diet/Zero Coke + $4.00 Bridge Toll = $21.50

auditorium: 1, "The Cine-Dome"

seat: 4th row, 21st column

In the hot summer sun, in an hostile desert environment, you find yourself alone and helpless! And, despite the sweltering heat, you must wear a heavily-padded cumbersome suit that only serves to magnify the effects of the blistering heat of summer on your own body. The salty sweat from your eyebrows sting your eyes, compromising your vision but you cannot wipe it off. Time is a luxury that you simply cannot afford as your body's temperature rises gradually to an hyperthermic level and as all eyes are trained on you, including those of your enemies-- you feel your heartbeat pound down these grim reminders. Your margin for error is nil. Your previous successes mean nothing today--right now! as you entrust your life, as you always have, in the Hands of Capricious Fate.

Welcome to the daily life of the U.S. Army's elite Explosive Ordnance Disposal ( EOD ) Squad stationed in Iraq, set in the summer of 2004.

A three-man bomb squad gets a new member, Staff Sgt. William James ( Jeremy Renner ) whose unconventional, devil-may-care maverick attitude puts him at great odds with his fellow crew. Improvised Explosive Devices ( IEDs ) are part of the daily life in Baghdad. To make roadways safer for both the Iraqis and the Americans, bomb squad units searh for, locate, disarm and dispose of such devices as part of their daily routine as they anxiously count down the days of their rotation, and hope and pray for the best. In this claustrophobic paranoia run rampant, each member must display unquestionable trustworthiness. His own men detest him as Sgt. James' attitude and actions only increase the odds of them all being sent to "the hurt locker." But Sgt. James has his own reasons for being ( to paraphrase ) all that he can be in today's Army.

predictions: Oscar nominations for Best Actor ( Jeremy Renner ), Best Director (Kathryn Bigelow ), Best Screenplay ( Mark Boal ), and Best Picture.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) The bomb wagon and the first explosion; 2.) The new member with his own modus operandi ( M. O. ) ; 3.) The taxi driver; 4.) The eight bombs pulled out of concealment; 5.) The Hyundai Sonata and the would-be bomber; 6.) Pinned down by snipers; 7.) Post battle celebration and camaraderie ; 8.) Bomb house dissection and Col. John Cambridge ( Christian Camargo ); 9.) Looking for "Beckham" ( Christopher Sayegh ) alone at night; 10.) Talk with Guard ( Ryan Tramont ) at Liberty Gate; 11.) Hunting for bombers and rescuing Spc. Owen Eldridge ( Brian Geraghty ); 10.) The helpless "suicide bomber" ( Sohail Al-Dabbach? ); 11.) The kite in the sky; 12.) The talk in the HumVee with Sgt. J. T. Sanborn ( Anthony Mackie ); 13.) Talking to the wife in the kitchen, and to the baby in bed; 14.) The ending scene.

audience reaction: They were well entertained by this suspenseful and, at times, funny movie.

recommendation: This is a well-crafted movie which downplays action as it focuses primarily on the human drama. Go see it.

spoiler alert! At times, the Sgt. James role seemed too caricatured to be believable.

fyi: For Muslim terrorists to use The Koran as an authoritative basis for their "Jihad" against the Infidels, I surmise that the following excerpt serves as a motivating force:

"Believers, take neither Jews nor Christians for your friends. They are friends with one another. Whoever of you seeks their friendship shall become one of their number. Allah does not guide the wrongdoers." Al-Ma'ida ( The Table sura [ chapter ] ), 5:50 & 51

But, now, compare and contrast it with the following excerpt 24 chapters later:

"Be courteous when you argue with the People of the Book ( i.e. Jews and Christians--my note ), except with those among them who do evil. Say: 'We believe in that which is revealed to us and which was revealed to you. Our God and your God is one. To Him we surrender ourselves.'" Al-'Ankabut ( The Spider sura [ chapter ] ), 29:44-46

The Muslims don't believe in the Christian concept of The Holy Trinity although The Koran shows Allah referring to Himself in the FIRST PERSON PLURAL in many passages--read it and see for yourself. This Christian concept of The Triune God can best be explained in this way: One God, the Father plus One God, the Son plus One God, the Holy Spirit does NOT equal three Gods ( Father, Son & Holy Spirit ); but One God, the Father times One God, the Son times One God, the Holy Spirit EQUALS One God, the one and only Supreme ( i.e. Complete ) Being! ( 1 + 1 + 1 = 3--polytheism; 1 x 1 x 1 = 1--monotheism. These are logical yet simple mathematical equations that Muslim [ and Jewish ] scholars fail to take into account.)

Please don't let me get into the "Paradise where virgins await the faithful" argument as mentioned in the Al-Waqi'a ( That Which Is Coming ) sura (chapter 56 ) as I'll just open up another "can of worms"--I didn't become the Top Student in my World Religions class in college for nothing.

word of advice: Thank a veteran.

tidbits: Can you just imagine an hypothetical terrorist bomber, So-Dam "El Kabuum" Inseyn buying a cell-phone?

CSR ( customer service representative ): Welcome to Paradise Virgins Mobile. How may I help you today?

So-Dam Inseyn: I would like to activate this cell-phone today!

CSR: Sure, I can help you with that. Would you like to take advantage of our special on roaming charges?

So-Dam Inseyn: No, I just need one charge. And I would prefer that it does not roam around--I just want it to sit still!

CSR: Okay, how about our Friends and Family plan?

So-Dam Inseyn: I pray that they don't get involved in this.

CSR: What about our Calling plan?

So-Dam Inseyn: Do you have a One-Way Only calling plan?

CSR: Huh ...?

And there was this wanna-be terrorist who, as part of his initiation into al-Qaida, was ordered to go around the block and blow-up an American Ambassador's car with the ambassador sitting in it. But the terrorist cell leader didn't hear an explosion. Presently, the wanna-be terrorist came back covering his mouth and in seeming pain. "What happened," asked the leader. "I did exactly what you told me to do," said the initiate, "but the tail-pipe burned my lips!"

In the grocery store scene, no Madonna music was playing in the background and I, for one, was glad!

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE, PG ( 2 hr & 33 min )

1st time:

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA

when: Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

show: 12:10 pm matinee

costs: $7.25 Ticket + $4.00 medium Diet/Zero ( with Barq's & Cherry flavors ) Coke + $5.25 small Popcorn + $1.50 Kernel Season's Ranch topping = $18.00

auditorium: 7

seat: 3rd row, 10th column

2nd time:

where: EDWARDS FAIRFIELD STADIUM 16

when: Friday, July 17th, 2009

show: 10:30 am matinee

costs: $7.50 Ticket + $4.50 small Diet/Zero Coke + $3.00 Mint Cookie Dough = $15.00

auditorium: 5

seat: 3rd row, 11th column

3rd time:

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA

when: Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

show: 10:15 pm

costs: $9.50 Ticket + $4.00 medium Diet/Zero ( with Barq's & Cherry flavors ) Coke + $4.25 junior Popcorn + $3.99 Safeway Roast Beef & Cheddar Sandwich = $21.74

auditorium: 14

seat: 4th row, 7th column

Raging hormones and rampaging Death Eaters clash in this dark, supernatural teen angst sequel!

Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters are aggressively on the attack in both the Magic and the Muggles' Worlds, even going so far as to threaten the safety of anyone and everyone at Hogwarts. Dark alliances are sealed. And Harry's ( Daniel Radcliffe ) aid is requested of him by Professor Dumbledore ( Michael Gambon ) who's in desperate search of the semi-immortal Voldemort's splintered "Achilles' Heel," the Horcruxes, as he prepares Harry for the impending death match with Voldemort: A missing key in the Pensieve's collection of memories must be retrieve by Harry in time! But making matters more complicated in such an inopportune time is every one's developing interest in members of the opposite gender. And when tragedy strikes at Hogwarts, Harry realizes that, perhaps, his efforts were all for naught!

noteworthy scenes: 1.) The diner; 2.) The "Unbreakable Vow" between Professor Snape ( Alan Rickman ) and Narcissa Malfoy ( Helen McCrory ) witnessed by Bellatrix LeStrange ( Helena Bonham Carter ); 3.) The magic shoppe; 4.) Draco Malfoy's ( Tom Felton ) secret meeting with the Death Eaters; 5.) Harry and Draco on the train; 6.) Dumbledore's speech in the Dining Hall; 7.) Professor Slughorn's ( Jim Broadbent ) Potions class; 8.) The Wool's Orphanage; 9.) The practice game before the competition; 10.) Learning of the old and well-used Advanced Potion Making book's owner; 11.) Drinking at the 3 Broomsticks; 12.) Katie Bell ( ? ), the possessed girl; 13.) The talk over dessert with Professor Slughorn; 14.) The Quidditch Finals game; 15.) Hermione ( Emma Watson ) confiding in Harry; 16.) The "Chosen One" talk at the library; 17.) Draco and Snape in the hallway; 18.) The very infatuated Lavender ( Jessie Brown ) on the train; 19.) The Christmas gathering; 20.) The field chase after the Death Eaters; 21.) The "missing memory" added to the Pensieve's collection; 22.) Ron Weasley's ( Rupert Grint ) box of chocolates; 23.) The infirmary; 24.) The Borgin and Burke's "vanishing" cabinet; 25.) Fight between Harry and Draco; 26.) Off to Hagrid's ( Robbie Coltrane ); 27.) Dumbledore telling Harry about the Horcruxes; 28.) The Secret Cavern; 29.) The defenseless Dumbledore; 30.) The Half-Blood Prince revealed; and 31.) The Fake.

audience reaction: The audience was genuinely entertained by this movie, although no one gave it a "Hands Clapper" at the end.

recommendation: I liked this movie even though the ending left everyone hanging--must be why it was not a "Hands Clapper" ending. Go see it anyway.

spoiler alert! While in the Muggles' World, Harry left the magical tabloid, THE PROPHET, in the diner! When the Death Eaters spiralled around London's Millennium ( Y2K ) Footbridge, causing it to sway and twist ( before it buckled and collapsed ), you could see that the sure-footed pedestrians running for safety neither stumbled nor fell--not one! Since an "Unbreakable Vow" leaves a mark on the hand and wrist of either party entering into a compact, it should have been a dead-giveaway hinting at who was behind Hogwarts' compromised security and safety. Dumbledore could take Harry flying over great distances in a jiffy but, inside the secret cavern, they had to float on a boat across a small body of water to get to an horcrux--Ha!

2nd spoiler alert! Why did Harry not get himself imprisoned or, much less, not get himself expelled for almost killing Draco? In the three times that Harry used the Pensieve to access stored memories, his face was completely immersed in the receptacle for these estimated times in proper order: two minutes and 30 seconds, one minute and 35 seconds, and three minutes and 15 seconds; all accomplished without him first taking a deep breath of air or gasping for air afterwards--Wow! he's got quite a set of lungs. When they left the Inferi-infested lake in the secret cavern, Harry was no longer soaking wet. By the way, the under-the-water scene in the lake only lasted for 33 seconds.

fyi: The animated photos, pictures and portraits gave me the creeps! I remember having both my junior high and senior high class pictures on my bedroom wall at my family's old Oakland, CA house. For years, being the prude that I was, I would NOT undress in front of those pictures--I would hide around the corner to do so ( what with all those leery eyes feasting on my "at-the-peak-of-ripeness" body)! Finally, I mustered-up enough nerve to undress before them, saying to myself, Is this what you want, what you were hoping for. Well, take it all in, you slut-bitches! I know you like it, I know you want it. Yes, you do! So, come and get it! Eventually, I became so ashamed of myself that I took those class pictures down, rolled them both up, and stashed them in a dresser drawer--once a prude, always a prude. Yep ....

word of advice: The skeletal, zombie-like creatures in the Inferi-infested lake in the secret cavern may be a bit scary and night-mare inducing to some, especially the young children, in the audience.

tidbits: At 7:24 am today, I drove by Kinko's on my way home from work to pick up my movie-reviewer business cards. And I already gave two away to former co-workers: One to Danny, at the grocery store across the lot from Kinko's; and, later on that day, to April, at the cineplex just before the show.

This is the first time that I've bought a Kernel Season's Ranch-flavored popcorn topping.

I wanted to go to one of the midnight shows--or even the 3:00 am show, but I had to work.

Mid-way through the movie, I had to switch pens because the one I was using at the time to scribble notes with became inconsistent in its ink-flow. I was glad that I had a "Saturday Night Special" back-up pen handy! I can see well-enough in the dark, mind you; I ain't no "Mr. Four Eyes" for nuthin'.

The title of this movie should be: HARRY POTTER, THE HORMONES YEAR.

There are two ( 2 ) "Chosen Ones" in the movie, actually: The "Chosen One" to wear the only pair of CONVERSE sneakers on the set; and the "Chosen One" to sport an obviously embarrassing, funny-looking tattoo that its owner has to wear long-sleeved shirts and sweaters all the time just to hide it from view! When is Hollywood gonna take notice of my talents and employ my services as a script consultant and/or scene editor? I come cheap--Asian Sweat Shop Labor--for now ( the Union will be pissed-off at me over this ).

2nd tidbits: I went to see this movie again so I could time the submersion scenes.

3rd tidbits: Soon after I got my ticket, the night sky lit up with a fireworks display from across the freeway at the Solano County Fair, across the street from Marine World, the ticket girl at the box office informed me when I asked about it.

They have new napkin dispensers with a "bow-tie" shaped opening. It you stick your fingers in the narrow part in the middle to get at some napkins, your fingers will get stuck! You've just been warned.

This third time is a "trial run." I wanted to see what it would be like to sneak-in a sandwich. The plastic clamshell in which it was packaged was too bulky and made noise whenever something would come into contact with it. I will have to repackage sandwiches in plastic bags on future smuggling trips.

As I recall, back when I was a little kid, my family was in possession of one of those so-called "vanishing cabinets" although it was known to us by another name: The Out-House!

I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER; PG-13 ( 1 hr & 42 min )

where: CENTURY 14 VALLEJO in Vallejo, CA
when: Monday, July 13th, 2009
show: 11:10 am ( first show extra dollar discount matinee )
costs: $6.00 ticket + $4.25 medium Diet/Zero ( with a little Cherry flavor ) Coke + $5.00 small Popcorn = $15.25
auditorium: 14
seat: 5th row, 7th column

Denis Cooverman ( Paul Rust, who looks like Adrien Brody and Judd Hirsch had a kid ), the class valedictorian, uses his graduation speech as his last & final chance to proclaim his secret crush on the school hottie , Beth Cooper ( Hayden Panettiere ). But instead of dismissing the bean-pole nerdy kid with a beak that would even make Toucan Sam take notice, Beth ( along with her hangers-on girlfriends ) decides to have fun with the unsuspecting Denis. Under-age drinking, trespassing, reckless driving, reckless endangerment, attempted homicide with a deadly weapon, destruction of property, hit and run, fights, and intimate moments ensue in this demographically-specific sophomoric effort aimed at high school juniors and seniors with nothing else better to do to while the time away during their summer vacation.

miscast: Judd Hirsch ( as Alex Reiger of TV's TAXI fame [ 1978 - 1983 ] ) should have been selected to play the role of Denis' father, owing to the facial resemblance. Why Hollywood casting agents don't consult with me first about possible candidates for roles is beyond me. Judd ( if he ain't dead yet ) is 74-years old this year--Whoops! my bad .... Now, I see why Hollywood doesn't consult with me first! But if they ever do a re-make of TAXI, Paul Rust is the perfect shoe-in for the "Alex" role--and I would be perfect ( ahem! ) for the role of "Latka Gravis" since I can do a passable Elvis Presley impersonation ( not to mention that I was once an alien, just like Latka ). Hollywood, are you reading this blog? If not, start doing so. Hellooo ...?

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Pep talk in the library by his friend, Rich ( Jack Carpenter ); 2.) The "No Regrets" speech at the graduation; 3.) Rich's meant-to-be-The-Ice-Breaker small talk; 4.) The bedroom fight; 5.) Toyota Yaris to the rescue; 6.) Denis's parents making-out in the Volvo station wagon; 7.) Stopping at the liquor store; 8.) Valli's ( Marie Avgeropoulos ) party; 9.) The bully, Greg's ( Josh Emerson ), offer at a reconciliation; 10.) The fight; 11.) Back at the high school; 12.) The lake-side cabin; and 13.) The "Goodbye" and the promise.

audience reaction: Hard to say since it was only I and an old man in the audience at that time.

recommendation: This is one of those movies that got away, meaning: It should have gone straight to DVD, instead. This is definitely a rental. The producers were banking extremely on Hayden's sex appeal's marketability. Unfortunately, this movie is the wrong vehicle for such an ambitious scheme. This is definitely not at par--nor even close in comparison--with the much better FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF ( 1986 ).

spoiler alert! Hayden Panettiere is beautiful but ... did you notice that her eyes are not level with each other? Her right eye is higher-up than her left eye. It's as if as she was being born, she started coming out facing right and was about to come straight out but the doctor pulled her head up at an angle! She must have been delivered by the same doctor who delivered Brittany Murphy and Shannen Doherty into this world (except Shannen was facing left as she was coming out ).

fyi: Beth drives a car like she learned how to drive in Manila, Philippines. I had this uncle once who, upon coming here, decided to get his driver's license as soon as possible. So he went to the local DMV for his examination. With the examiner as his passenger, he drove ( Manila Driver style ) through the streets of San Francisco. The examiner ordered him to pull over. As soon as he did so, the examiner got out and ran away! True story.

There's this highway that connects Solano County with Marin County, Highway 37. For years, this highway was infamously called "Blood Alley" because, before a center divider was installed, many people died here in head-on collisions especially during heavy fogs. A former co-worker's brother was also killed here when his car stalled and he stepped out to drunkenly try to hail down a big rig. I used to commute on this highway back in 2000 & 2001. Late at night, just for fun, I would drive down this stretch when no other cars are around with my headlights turned off! Whenever I would do it in a fog, I would pray, Please let there be nothing in my way--no deer, no human, nothing! And it was especially beautiful and tranquil driving in such a way on a Full Moon. But as much as I had hoped that a ghost would hitch a ride, no such thing ever occurred. Too bad.

And wait 'til I tell you about those times when I drove, at dawn, on the freeway with my eyes closed just to stay awake! Hey, it worked for me; otherwise, I wouldn't be blogging about it right now!

word of advice: To those of you who are still at that "impressionable age," don't imitate the reckless behaviors in the movie. And don't drive like the way I drove late at night and at dawn.

And if you just want to have that "adult beer drinking experience," a non-alcoholic beer should easily and safely do the job. But what do I know since I don't drink.

tidbits: I thought I was the one who came up with a very creative use for a cell-phone set on "vibrate." The musical director for this movie, Patrick Houlihan, should have consulted with me about the choice of music for its musical soundtrack. I would have suggested that they use the 1979 song by Anita Ward, Ring My Bell--they wouldn't have to reword anything except for the title: change "Bell" to "Belle." When will Hollywood begin to know better and start to seriously consider my services ( I come cheap--Asian Sweat Shop Labor--for now )?

With that rudder of a nose of his, Paul Rust could quite possibly use it to stir a speedboat with.

BRUNO, R ( 1 hr & 28 min )

where: EDWARDS FAIRFIELD STADIUM 16 in Fairfield, CA

when: Friday, July 10th, 2009

show: 10:40 pm

costs: $7.50 Ticket + $4.50 Small Diet/Zero Coke + $6.00 Small Popcorn + $1.00 Oberto Sausage & Cheese ( smuggled-in ) = $19.00

auditorium: 16

seat: 4th row, 5th column

WARNING: This is a very morally offensive movie! If you are of a sensitive morality, don't read further.

At first, I wrestled with my own conscience because I couldn't remain objective to this movie and at the same time give it a fair review. This movie is meant to be a mockumentary satire, after all, intended to poke fun at society's prevailing social mores--played for laughs, its sole intention. There is no other way to creatively review this movie properly butt to channel Bruno, himself. With that in mind, here's my synopsass--bun intended:

Bruno ( Sascha Baron Cohen's third alter ego ) is an Austrian homosexual with big dreams: He wants to be the next world-famous Austrian after Adolf Hitler. He tries it in the European fashion world, even going so far as to almost get his "face pregnant" ( don't ask ). But the fashion world dumps him. So he comes to America ( i.e., L. A. ) for a chance at stardom. Dejected and desperate after so many failed attempts, he tries his hands at an Heterosexual lifestyle after having an epiphany late one night.

Bruno really went down deep and dirty in this probing analysis of society's homophobia and came back up with quite a mouthful to share with his eager, thirsty, and adoring public.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) The happy inter-racial gay couple at home; 2.) The "velcro" fashion show; 3.) First L. A. airport scene; 4.) Auditioning for a part using a JERRY MAGUIRE script; 5.) Acting as an "extra" in a court-room scene; 6.) The Anal Bleaching Salon ( I guess this is for real ); 7.) The creative exploitation of Hispanics during a Paula Abdul interview; 8.) The "White Trash" fetus--abort it! 9.) The "talking" penis; 10.) Interview with 2008 presidential candidate, Ron Paul; 11.) The psychic consultation; 12.) What's Dar-five? ( exploiting social causes ); 13.) Catching the ire of Orthodox Jews; 14.) Trying to resolve the Jewish/Palestinian conflict with very diplomatically reserved opposing parties at the bargaining table; 15.) The terrorist head; 16.) L. A. airport luggage claim area; 17.) Desperate parents of babies, their "meal-ticket;" 18.) Vespa baby; 19.) The Richard Bay talk show appearance; 20.) Losing a key during an Anti-Gay rally, and the subsequent bus ride; 21.) The "Cockaholic" Anonymous with a gay-converter in the Bible Belt State of Alabama; 22.) Learning Martial Arts moves against different homosexual attacks; 23.) Army recruit at Fort Mcclellan; 24.) Bonding with red-necks; 25.) Swingers' Party; 26.) The Bondage-Domination/Sado-Masochism scene ( don't ask me why I'm familiar with this term--ha, ha, ha [nervous laughter] ); 27.) The UFC-style fight scene, while Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" plays in the background; 28.) The "marriage" in California; 29.) Singing with some celebrities the "Gay Aid" song: Dove of Peace.

audience reaction: Riotous laughter through-out!

recommendation: If you're a Sacha Baron Cohen fan, this is your movie.

spoiler alert! If Sacha Baron Cohen really wanted to be kidnapped by Muslim terrorists, all he needed to do was to tell them honestly that he is a Jew. Despite her name, Paula Abdul is actually a Jew, too! And speaking of Jew, for you xenophobes out there, I have Jewish blood on my mother's side (Mom: Filipina, Spanish & Turkish-Jew; Dad: Filipino, Chinese-Malaysian & Italian)--but not to worry, please: I have been for exactly 8 years a natural-eyes citizen on one purpose of cultural learnings to make benefit glorious nation of Jew-nited States of Aramaic-ca ( Hey! don't be that way with me; the Founding Fathers gave this country THAT name over 200 years ago, well before my time, man ... well before my time....).

fyi: Two months ago, I brought a BORAT DVD with me as I visited with my friend, Hector R. (in Oakland, CA ), who's a Baptist Christian. So I played the movie for him and his wife. The look of shocked expression on their faces was priceless! His son, Ismael, nervously pulled me aside and whispered that his dad doesn't like to watch such movies, mea culpa. My friend excused himself because he "needed" to buy something at the grocery store. He probably was just outside all that time casting aspersions at the heavens for his unfortunate fate of having me as a "friend." Whoopsie!

I remember this old bargain cinema in Concord, California, THE CAPRI ( now defunct ). One time in 1996, they showed a double feature: PRIVATE PARTS plus JERRY MAGUIRE. Oh, how tempted I was to go up to the girl at the box office, plunk down my money and demand to see Jerry Maguire's Private Parts, had my sexual orientation not be possibly put into question by everyone present ( I can't stay in character like Sascha can ). This is the very first, and quite possibly the only, time that I've used this joke; so, enjoy it!

Ron Paul was the favored candidate on the Internet and would have made for a better president. I believe that the powers-that-be intentionally targeted him, through Sacha, if only to sully his name and make him and his independent party the laughing stock of the world.

word of advice: This movie is not suitable for children even though some parents actually took their kids to watch this with them!

tidbits: In college, I was in the library one time doing my Algebra homework. Then, a black guy with a Chinese name ( he was adopted ) sat beside me and chatted me up. All of a sudden, he grabbed at my crotch and asked me for a date! I said, Sure--anything, just let go! No, actually, I was so shocked that I gathered-up my belongings and hurriedly left, saying, I'm sorry, but you're not my type. As I left, I asked myself, Was that the best line that I could come up with without drawing unnecessary attention to the situation. Because of that incident, I stopped showering in the Men's Locker. I didn't want to shower and give the guys my "fresh meat" scent--girls, Yes; guys, No ( see previous post ). Can you imagine being in the showers with a bunch of naked guys and you accidentally drop your bar soap? No wonder some guy invented "Soap on a Rope," perhaps after a VERY personally traumatic experience.

I know this homosexual midget who got tired of the charade and finally decided to come out of the cupboard!

Had Sacha Baron Cohen and I met before he made his BRUNO movie, I would have gladly offered to show him my re-worked lyrics for THE VILLAGE PEOPLE's In The Navy song. It goes like this:

Where can you run to

in your six-inch high heeled shoes

to just express your

own homosexuality?

Where can you be a queer

and dressed fancily,

to be as gay as you

can so truly be?

In the Army,

if you go acting like a tease,

In the Army,

you'd better put your butt at ease.

In the Army,

they'll go chasing you all they can,

In the Army,

boy, you'll get raped by every man!

They want you, they want you,

they want you as the gay recruit ( Who, me? )!

They want you, they want you,

they want you as the gay recruit ( Yes, you!).

CHERI, R ( 1 hr & 40 )

where: CINE ARTS @ PLEASANT HILL in Pleasant Hill, CA

when: Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

show: 9:45 pm

costs: $10.00 ticket + $4.00 junior popcorn + $4.25 medium Diet/Zero Coke + $1.00 Cookie Dough candy ( smuggled-in ) + $4.00 bridge toll = $23.25

auditorium: 1, "The Cine-Dome"

seat: 10th row, 25th column

La Belle Epoque ( 1890 - 1914 ) was a time accentuated by an opulent lifestyle and very fashionable clothes among the rich and priviledged few. A time when it was de rigueur for a young gentleman on the verge of entering haute monde to be under the tutelage of a courtesan well-versed in the social etiquette of that period's aristocratie.

In this tragic romance, Lea de Lonval ( Michelle PFieffer ), a most beautiful and highly sought-after childless courtesan is contemplating retirement. But a retired rival, Charlotte Peloux ( Kathy Bates ), asks a favor of Lea: instruct her enfant gate/cheri, Fred ( Rupert Friend, b.k.a. Cheri ), a spoiled, irresponsible and immature godson of Lea. What is meant to be just a few weeks' worth of "instructions" turns into a passionate six-years long affair as Lea commits the dreaded and unthinkable faux pas of falling in love with the needful, dependent Cheri.

Charlotte, eager to have grandchildren, arranges for Cheri to marry the daughter of another courtesan in her clique. Lea curtsies politely out of the picture and heads off to the South of France to heal and forget--"out of sight, out of mind."

Cheri's obsession with Lea threatens his marriage to Edmee ( Felicity Jones ), though. And when Lea hears of the impending divorce, she returns to the scene as "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

prediction: Michelle Pfieffer is a strong contender for an Oscar for Best Actress.

noteworthy scenes: 1.) Where-in Charlotte quips that "skin less firm holds perfume better;" 2.) The comparison-contrasts during the wedding, the consummation, and at an intimate moment; 3.) An "opium and cocaine" house; and 4.) Where Lea sees herself in the company of a well-past-her-prime courtesan at Charlotte's house for some aperitif ( a deliberately-orchestrated occasion by none other than Charlotte, herself ).

audience reaction: Hard to say, it was only I and two old ladies in the cavernous auditorium. And I was not about to reveal my secret identity. "Look! down in front. It's an employee. It's the security. No, it's Cine-Man! More powerful than a baby, faster than a speeding toddler, able to clamber over a turnstile in a single try." The Movie-Review World is a safer and friendlier place; thanks to me, Cine-Man! God Bless the Cinema.

recommendation: I am enamored of the rich Edwardian lifestyle depicted in this movie. Ah, to be young, and attractive, and rich, and care-free, and ... when am I gonna win the lottery or, better yet, does Bill Gates have a younger, single and available, sister? Oh! where was I ...? Yeah ... go see this period-piece movie for its sumptuous feast-for-the-eyes scenes.

spoiler alert! The deliberate and measured repartee between Lea and Charlotte seem more suited for a stage play.

The close-up scenes of Lea look diffused. For a good reason, perhaps--not enough "face paste" on the set?

fyi: The first movie that I saw at this cine-dome is the 1994 movie, FORREST GUMP, which also happens to be the very first movie shown after the re-construction was almost completed. I was hoping that TRANSFORMERS: ROTF would be playing here because last year's INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL was shown here. With its seats arraigned in an 120-degree ( I think ) arc, it would have made for a perfect venue for TRANSFORMERS. Interestingly enough, the title character in a preview for an up-coming movie, ADAM, mentions Forrest Gump, in reference to an offered box of chocolates.

I apologize for using a bunch of French words and phrases, but they all seem a propos ( here I go again ) to the subject of this review. I remember, after immigrating to this country, being required to take an "English as a Second Language/College-Level English Preparatory" course in high school even though I had been taking English classes since first grade ( in some parts of the Philippines, kids learn at least three languages almost simultaneously--a running joke is this: What do you call a native who speaks only one language? A Tagalog! ) I think I know why I was enrolled in that class: Even though I already had a fair enough command of the literate aspect of the English language, my teachers couldn't understand a damn word I said because of my very thick accent! ( I thought the way to a girl's heart was through the use of a thick accent--it only works for the French and the Italians, I'm disappointed to say; it's not enough for me to just have a French-Italian name. ) So, there I was in class, the helpless and innocent victim of the teacher's verbal assaults as she hurled at me words and phrases in FRENCH, LATIN, GREEK and SPANISH--talk about "tongue-lashing!" I was beside myself, my eyes welled with tears, as I sat wondering, What the Hell did I get myself into--all I wanna know is how to speaky Ingles! And as if this was not bad enough, the French, for the most part, don't spell their own damn words phonetically. I swear, the first time that I came across the phrase, hors d'oeuvres, I thought its proper pronunciation was: horse de overs, to everyone's amusement! It is so obvious why we hate the hoity-toity Frenchies! To heck with them.

word of advice: In retrospect, I am glad that my teacher, Mrs. Halland, went through all the trouble of teaching me all those alien words to help me expand my vocabulary. I am a better writer for it, I think (now, if I can only rely LESS on my computer's "spell-check" function, I'll be able to proof-read my posts better). But I can still talk funny whenever I become lazy, tired or inattentive about how I enunciate my words.

And, if you're a "worker in the world's oldest profession," take a cue from the courtesans in this movie and dump your pimp!

tidbits: Reduced to its very essence, this movie is about a sexual affair between an older woman and an hormonal boy. With that in mind, here's a true story ....

I was in Reno, Nevada, with some friends ( different from the previous one ) on the fourth weekend of March, 2003. On Saturday, the 22nd, I stepped into the elevator on the thirteenth floor to meet with my friends, for brunch, who were already on the ground floor at Harrah's Hotel and Casino. Unknown to me at the time, I had unwittingly walked into the lair of a pride of white cougars ready to go on the prowl for some fresh meat ( and I was as fresh as fresh could ever be: I had just showered )! As soon as the doors closed, the Amazonian Alpha Cougar wasted no time in speaking in no uncertain way into my right ear (she wasn't drunk, mind you) as she was licking her lips, remarking about how hot and sexy I was ( still am ) and saying how she would love to spend some time with me, all to the appreciative, leery stares of her pride. I stood frozen on the spot, remembering what a narrator on a nature show on PBS once said: "In the wild, any sudden movement means death." There I was, surrounded by a pride of hungry, ravenous cougars ready to pounce on me as they salivated and breathed heavily ( I think one of them was wheezing ) before their seeming helpless prey. Ah, but the beauty of being born with exotic good looks is that one can always get away with this line: "Eh, no speaky Ingles. Sorry ...." (I learned this from my eldest sister who used it on an undesirable man who propositioned her while she was riding on a bus one day. Thanks, sis, you're a life-saver! ) That elevator took, like, forever to go down from the thirteenth floor all the way to the ground floor--even with no stops in-between! Finally, a relief in sight: The doors opened. Whew! They left me paralyzed as they went about on the prowl. I almost wetted my pants--with urine, dummy! not The Other bodily fluid.

So, that's how it feels like to be sexually harassed, huh? It felt good, actually, to be the center of such a sexual attention. No wonder girls always dress provocatively whenever they go out and about on the town. I was honestly flattered, mind you ( the "bitch" that I am). You know what they say about flattery .... Now, if only they had flattered me some more! From now on, I had better take a shower each and every time before I venture out into the wilderness. Wish me luck.

Can you honestly believe Kathy Bates as a courtesan? Come on, now! Did you see the movie, ABOUT SCHMIDT ( 2002 )? Kathy Bates did a full-body nude scene in a hot-tub with Jack Nicholson! Ahhh, my eyes! my poor innocent eyes--they're burning, I exclaimed. 'Twas not the kind of nudity that I was hoping for. If it was her idea of a practical joke, clearly, I was not at all amused! I should have reported her to the SPCA-W ( Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Audiences-Worldwide ).

P.S. It took me well over eight hours to do the necessary research, as well as to write, proof-read ( repeatedly ) and edit ( repeatedly ) this particular entry. And this is not counting the actual movie-viewing itself!