where: BRENDEN VACAVILLE 16 in Vacaville, CA
when: Saturday, November 21st, 2009
show: 9:45 a.m.
costs: $7.50 Ticket + $4.00 small Diet Pepsi + $1.00 Dark Chocolate Cookie Dough ( smuggled-in; bought at a Dollar Tree Store ) = $12.50
auditorium: 16
seat: 5th row, 10th column
synopsis: A cold vampire, warm human and hot werewolf menage a trois.
After a near-tragedy on Bella Swan's ( Kristen Stewart ) 18th birthday party, Edward Cullen ( Robert Pattinson ) decides to end their romance for her own safety. The Cullens leave town. Meanwhile, the childhood friendship between Bella and the secretive Jacob Black ( Taylor Lautner ) starts to deepen and skirt the fringes of unknown territory at a time when an enemy has returned to exact vengeance upon an unsuspecting Bella. When Bella notices that whenever she was about to do something foolhardy Edward would appear in a vision to try and talk some sense into her, she becomes more and more reckless if only to satisfy her pining heart's desire to see him and be "with" him again. One day, her recklessness almost kills her. Thinking that she died because of him, Edward goes to the Volturi, in Italy, to provoke them into killing him. Alice ( Ashley Greene ) returns to give Bella the bad news and persuades her to go to Italy to plead Edward's case before the Volturi Tribunal without a minute to spare as time is running out.
prediction: The supposed romance between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is all just one big publicity stunt designed to force swooning, fantasizing girls to go to the movies in droves. But once the series' pixie dust settles down to the mundane reality of everyday life, this two will break-up! It's guaranteed. You heard it first--right here--from Cine-Man, the prognosticator.
noteworthy scenes: 1.) Dream sequence; 2.) Watching a ROMEO AND JULIET movie in class; 3.) Bella's birthday party at the Cullens; 4.) Reality check for Bella and Edward; 5.) The break-up; 6.) Search and rescue; 7.) Unanswered e-mails; 8.) The bike ride; 9.) Junkyard bikes; 10.) More nightmares; 11.) Cliff divers; 12.) Test-running bike; 13.) "Face Punch"; 14.) Running with the Pack; 15.) Laurent ( Edi Gathegi ); 16.) Wolf Pack; 17.) Dark secret; 18.) "Out of the bag"; 19.) Wolf hunt; 20.) Cliff dive; 21.) Alice returns; 22.) San Marco (?) Festival; 23.) The reunion; 24.) The Volturis; 25.) The guided tour; 26.) The majority vote; 27.) Key Point of Truce reminder; and 28.) The proposal.
audience reaction: Although the audience laughed at the jokes, this movie didn't get a "Hands Clapper" ending.
recommendation: This love story with a supernatural kinky twist could have been better if only Robert and Kristen had better on-screen chemistry and shown better acting skills. Go see this movie only if you're a sucker for vampire-themed love stories.
spoiler alert! I don't recall seeing/using drinking glasses in the school cafeteria back in high school, yet the kids in this movie used them. Wow! That's some fancy-schmancy stuff. When they broke-up, not a single tear was shed on-screen--the audience was a different story, though. Jacob probably doesn't weigh close to 200 pounds, but that bike weighed more than twice his body weight. So it would have been impossible for him to lift it the way he did without bringing it close to his body and not leaning back first. Why would you have someone who doesn't know how to operate a bike test-drive it without wearing a helmet? When Laurent was chased by the werewolves, why didn't he climb up on a tree ( since werewolves can't climb trees ) and tree-hopped it to the cliff's edge and then jumped into the water? Forensic analysis on the dead bodies found torn to pieces would easily prove that they weren't the victims/preys of mountain lions, wolves, or bears, but of a not-as-yet-known-type of creature--a forensic expert would say that the victims fell prey to what could only be described as giant "wolves". At their reunion, again, there were no tears shed on-screen ( Why didn't they take a crash course at Cine-Man's Academy of Emotive Acting? ). A guided tour group would have an itinerary schedule and would soon be reported missing by the bus driver and/or trip coordinator and their last stop and whereabouts readily discovered. The truce's "key point" only applies to the surrounding territory, outside of which it's null and void. So they can do "it" outside the territorial boundary. Now let me see if I got this right .... Bella got dumped by a vampire and then hooked-up with a werewolf. Is she freakin' nuts? This is like a jumping-out-of-the-frying-pan-and-falling-down-into-the-fire type of predicament. To be more clear, allow me to put it in this way: Werewolves are essentially just supernatural dogs but dogs, nonetheless--and we all know that dogs greet anybody and everybody by sniffing butts and crotches. What do you think will happen if Bella is in the company of werewolves at that particular time of month illustrated by this . symbol? She'd be torn to pieces! If she stays with a werewolf, a certain kind of sexual position is a no-no for the couple at that particular time of month illustrated by this . symbol, or the werewolf will rip her up a "new moon"! Or if she co-habits with a vampire, a certain sexual act is, likewise, a no-no for the couple at that particular time of month illustrated by this . symbol, or the vampire will cry out for blood! And I can't imagine why a warm-blooded mortal girl would want to make love to a vampire whose body is about as warm as "cold feet"--it's like making love to a popsicle with arms and legs! So Bella goes to Europe in search of Edward by way of Virgin America. Hmm ... I wonder if her cellphone is a Virgin Mobile. I guess they'll honeymoon in the Virgin Islands. And they'll probably settle down and raise a family in Virginia. Am I missing anything here? What do you think will happen when Bella's hymen is torn and all that blood squeezes out at the height of a lustful, ecstatic embrace and Edward is too blissfully preoccupied to concentrate on restraining his blood lust?
fyi: As I was still learning English as a second--make that third-- language, when I first came upon the word, Hymen, I wondered why anybody would decide to call it that. Then I rationalized that maybe it is because when a virgin girl parts her legs to offer up her nether region, the lovely sight is so inviting and so suggestive of the greeting, "Hi, men." But, shouldn't that be, "Hi, man," instead? I wouldn't know because I didn't make up the rules of proper English grammar and usage.
I remember back when I was a little kid when my eldest sister sat me and my other sister down at the top of the staircase in our house in Kidapawan, Cotabato, Philippines. She told us that we were going to play the "Crying Game." And whoever sheds real tears first will win the plastic yellow rosary that she held in her hand. So, my other sister and I proceeded to pretend-cry. But no tears were coming out of my eyes. Desperate to win the prize, I repeatedly punched myself in the stomach as hard as I could until I cried out tears of pain--and won! Hey, wait a minute ... I just now realized that my eldest sister tricked me into beating myself up! I wonder if it's too late to get even now. Hmmm ....
It's so amazing to me that neither Vampires nor Werewolves are immune to teen acne!
I liked the one-sided fight scene with the Volturi guard.
As Edward, Bella and Alice were leaving the Volturi Tribunal and before the guided tour stepped in, the camera showed in a Long Shot the Latin inscription high above the back wall which read: Vita Brevis Ars Longa ( Life is short, Art is long ). Nice touch!
How ironic that Michael Sheen should play the part of a vampire in this movie when he was a werewolf earlier this year in UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS.
Kristen Stewart's eyes aren't expressive enough ( Remember, I was a charcoal portrait artist and would know about eyes from an artist's point of view.). Her eyes have that distant look to them. Her eyes are about as expressive as Tiny Tim's eyes in the Jim Carey animation, A CHRISTMAS CAROL. I had the suspicion that she was on drugs. And, wouldn't you know it, a tabloid had a picture of her smoking pot with her former boyfriend. If Hollywood ever hires me to write a movie script for Kristen, I got one already simmering at the back burner of my mind: HARRIET POTHEAD: THE HALF-STONED PRINCESS. ( No offense, J. K. Rowling. )
Kirsten ( not Kristen ) is the name of my girlfriend back in college who was a beautiful and sexy natural blonde, and who happened to be an atheist dyslexic. We broke up. Had we stayed together and gotten married, we would have ended up having children who would eventually grow up not believing in any kind of dog.
A sublimated expression of a zoophiliac urge is what this "romance" movie is all about.
word of advice: Variety is suppose to be the Spice of Life, but Inter-Species romance ...? Stick to your own species, for Christ's sake! And get a room ( preferably sound insulated )!
tidbits: A few months ago, one of my co-workers here in Benicia, CA Julie N. said in the break-room that she doesn't like Robert Pattinson because he's ugly, dirty and smelly--'probably read one of the tabloids. So, I said, Good, now I know what I need to do for next Valentine's Day.
Yesterday, Friday, I debuted my new black polar fleece vest at work. I had it custom embroidered with my initials in the back and my spelled-out name across the front, all in Roman script using bluish red. Sweet .... I spent about three times more for the custom embroidery than for the vest itself, but it's worth it to me because my vest is now a "one-of " kind.
As I was leaving the theatre, I saw two ballot boxes just outside of the customer service counter so fans could vote for either Edward or Jacob. Puhlease ....
